


Between the Lines

by wasted_potential_007



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Also detective's lives outside of work, Angst, Anxiety Attacks/Stress, Basically delves into how every detective is kinda messed up, Emotional Shit, F/M, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, More angst, Pre/Post William Lewis (mostly post), References to suicide/attempted suicide, So much angst, Some Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2018-12-30 08:48:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12105069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wasted_potential_007/pseuds/wasted_potential_007
Summary: What goes on in between the lines of Law and Order SVU, centered on Olivia and Barba's growing relationship. Starts from season 14. Other relationships will occur, but they won't be the main focus of the fic. Pure angst. And for people here for Rollaro, it starts from chapter 7 and on.Note- This idea for "In between the lines" (using dialogue from the show for the story) did not come from me, it came from I believe ThatEDMHipster. All credits for the idea goes to that user, who did this originally with Cabenson. I just took that idea and made it for Olivia/Rafael. The plot is all mine.Or, where a bunch of shit happens to characters who really don't deserve it.Periodic updates.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All credit for dialogue goes to the writers and NBC/Law and Order SVU, I don't own any of the characters or the TV show. Any song lyrics used do not belong to me, they belong to the singers/writers who created them. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED.

Cain was going to be trouble, Olivia could tell. He was a large TV personality, someone used to getting what he wanted. Getting Jocelyn to file charges was already hard enough, and the squad didn't even know who was going to be prosecuting it.  _God, I hope it's someone permanent this time,_  Olivia thought. They had enough of the temporary ADA's coming in thinking they knew everything, when the reality was the detectives had to waste precious time teaching the ADA how to interact with victims, treat them on the stand, etc. Olivia was getting a headache just thinking about it.

"I've got just the guy." Harris said, breaking into her thoughts. "Rafael Barba. He's got a big, brass.. ego."

 _Sounds.. interesting,_ Olivia thought, interested to meet this new ADA.

\---

"Come on Barba- The vic was drunk, her memory spotty." The defense lawyer said, hoping to get the ADA to maybe cut him a deal. The man was quite good in court, and facing off against him was not on this guy's bucket list.

"Your client-- a jury takes one look at the simian carriage, the neanderthal jaw-- I'll get him convicted for kidnapping the Lindbergh baby. So how about he takes ten and spares us all the humiliation?" Barba fired back, noticing the lawyer shrink back into his shell.  _Good._ He thought, enjoying the defeated look on the attorney's face. 

"I'll call you in the morning." The lawyer called out to him as he walked away, a stride in his step.  _One case down-_ _Woah._ He turned and suddenly saw her. The name Olivia Benson popped into his mind, and he quickly walked over to Harris. There was also a blonde next to her, but Barba wasn't focusing on that.  _Her._  He thought. The ADA took in the supposed detective, and all of her glory. Her hair. Her eyes. Her.  _Damn_ _,_ his mind said, noticing that he should probably say something. 

"Take your daughters to work day?" He blurted out.

Harris motioned to the detectives, quickly introducing them. "Detectives Benson and Rollins, Rafael Barba." Rafael shook hands with both detectives, slightly lingering for a little longer with Olivia's hand. "I lied and told them you know your way around a courtroom"

Olivia noticed how he held on for just a bit longer. What she had seen so far about this man infuriated her, and she wanted to know more about him instantly. Something about Barba made him seem.. different. Trustworthy? Credible? It wasn't like he was any different then all the other new ADAs, minus Casey and Alex, and she knew that he probably had no experience talking to live victims. But he was just.. _Why are you even focusing on this?_ Her mind asked her. She honestly had no idea.

\---

"This girl, she appears credible?" Barba asked, walking with Olivia and Rollins to his office. 

"She's concerned about perception, but she was raped twice." Olivia answered, noticing his choice of words.  _Appears credible?_  This guy was going to be fun to train. 

"I didn't ask if she was raped. I asked if she appears credible." The ADA said, immediately noticing the brunette's eyes narrow.  _Wrong thing to say,_  his mind said. Something about her made her seem so confident, and she also seemed to care for the victims, from what he had heard. That being said, she didn't seem like a good enemy to have. At all. Working with her was going to be interesting. 

\---

"Did you and Adam Cain have any contact before the show?" Barba asked Jocelyn, with Olivia sitting at the writer's side.  

"No, that was the first time we met." 

"And after the show, he asked you out?" 

"Yes. I've gone over all of this." Jocelyn said, sounding frustrated. Barba knew that what he was doing really wasn't earning him any favors from Olivia, but was surprised when she defended him. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry, Jocelyn, but this is all part of the process." Olivia said, surprising herself. Why was she defending this man, when all he was doing was berating the victim? _Get yourself together,_ she thought.

"I have to know everything about you-- not just you and Cain, but your whole personal history, everything. Because the one thing you decide to leave out is the one thing the defense is going to use to blow up the case. You may not like me when we're done." Barba told Jocelyn. 

"I don't like you now." She fired back.

"Honesty. Good." Barba said, grinning at both women. 

Olivia felt her heart flutter at his smile, directed towards her.  _What is going on?_ Her mind asked her. She really didn't know. As Barba continued with the questioning of the young writer, she realized that if this was any other person, she would hate him already. The way Barba treated Jocelyn, like she wasn't even a true victim, made her feel nauseous. But she couldn't bring herself to hate this guy, no matter what he said or did. It was quite frustrating for her, and Olivia wondered what was going on in her brain. 

\---

She really couldn't believe it. Jocelyn didn't write the book. Her english professor did. And now the case was going to hell. Today Barba was going to cross examine Cain, and Olivia really couldn't wait. Not to see the ADA in court however, but to see the TV personality squirm for the first time in his life. The detective found herself thinking of Barba more and more often, and she was confused. What was happening to her mind?

"Then you put the belt around your neck." Barba's voice made her snap back to attention. This was going to be interesting. 

"Yes." Cain said back, voice full of dislike for the ADA.

"And then you get behind her...to tighten it."

"Yes, to increase her pleasure. I'm not sure what this has to--"

"Just bear with me. Where was the buckle?."

"I don't know if I can be more specific. Would you like me to show you?" Cain asked, mocking Barba a little bit.

"Well, actually..."

"Objection!" Calhoun jumped up from her desk, furious.

Barba instantly respond with an even tone. "Your Honor-- As a regular Joe, I am curious about how this belt-around- the-neck thing is exciting. I am sure, Your Honor, that the jury is curious as well."

Olivia held her breath as the judge came to make a decision. She didn't know what Barba was planning, but it seemed to be working so far. 

"I'll allow it. For now."

Barba continued. "So let's go back. You took off your belt." He took off his belt

"That's right."

"You did it. Not her."

"Correct."

"You looped the belt like this." The ADA looped the belt around his neck, showing it to the jury.

It suddenly hit Olivia what Barba was trying to do. If he succeeded, this would secure him a spot at SVU, for risking his own safety in open court.  _This guy's crazy,_ she thought, watching him question Cain with a belt around his neck. She focused again on court, hearing Barba's voice ring through the courtroom. 

"You said that she wanted it rough, so show me how she likes it. Show me, show me. Let me see how she liked it."

"Objection!" Calhoun jumped up again, her face and voice full of disbelief.

"Let's proceed cautiously, Mr. Barba." The judge said, with a warning tone.

"All right, take the belt in your hands, Mr. Cain. Feel the leather? Hold the belt. Now, show me how you pulled on the belt." Barba said, letting Cain hold onto the belt. He gave it a slight tug. 

"You can do better than that." Cain pulled again, a little harder.

"You call that being dominant? Show me. Show me! Show me, pull it! Pull it. Pull it! Tell me how you like it! Show me how you like it, Mr. Cain! Come on, pull it, pull it!" Barba screamed at Cain over and over again, pushing him to the edge.  _If this works.. I can show the jury who this guy really is._ He thought, but was suddenly cut off by his throat being restricted by the belt.

"Like this!" Cain jerked on the belt, and the sound of Barba choking filled the courtroom. Olivia jerked her head up. She couldn't believe that this had worked, that Cain had actually had the balls to choke Barba. A rush of protectiveness filled her, as she almost jumped up to get the belt off of Barba. 

"Your Honor!" Rita cried out, as Cain let go of the belt.

"Not a mark." Barba said weakly. This had worked. And hopefully, winning this case would score him some points with Olivia. _Olivia,_ he thought. Barba had realized a couple of days ago that he was probably in love with the detective. From what he noticed, Olivia might have feelings for him too. But were either of them going to act on it? 

\---

"Guilty." 

The courtroom erupted in whispers, as Barba turned and noticed the smug look wiped away on Cain's face. He had won his very first case at SVU, and hopefully this scored high on the board for Olivia. He turned and looked back at the detective, who was hugging Jocelyn. They made eye contact, and he gave her a nod.

 _Almost as if he's reassuring me,_ Olivia thought, as she nodded back. She felt the electricity in his gaze, and suddenly it all seemed much more clear. She was officially in love with Rafael Barba. But what was she going to do about it?

\---

"Barba-" Olivia reached out and grabbed his arm. He had just departed from the media storm, and she had left Jocelyn with Rollins, racing down the steps to catch him.

"Wha- Oh. Detective Benson." Barba said, surprised. This was the first time she had approached him for something not related to the case, and he could feel how anxious she was. _What's going on?_ He thought.  _She probably doesn't like you._ His mind responded cynically. 

"Call me Olivia. Um.." Her mind suddenly went blank, as all of the courage seeped out of her. Being close to him made that happen. She took in his green eyes, the muscular arms, his musty smell of cologne and coffee. "Just- Never mind. Good job on the case." She finally said, feeling his gaze on her.  _Why did I have to fall in love with this guy? Our new ADA, of all people, s_ he thought. 

"Oh. Thanks, Detec- i mean Olivia."  _Olivia._ He liked saying her name like that. And from the looks of it, she liked hearing it that way too. "I guess.. see you soon."

"Yeah." The detective said, watching him walk away. This was seriously scaring her. How she acted in front of him, like she was a nervous teenager again. The detective turned away, as she headed back to the precinct, Barba still in mind.  


	2. Chapter 2

It was the cases with the children that got to Olivia the most. And this particular one was driving her insane. Seeing Emily on the computer screen being tortured, but not being able to do anything made her feel helpless. And she hated feeling helpless. At least Barba was coming to help. _Barba_ , Olivia thought. She hadn't seen him in a week, yet he never really left her mind. Especially at nights, when she came into an empty apartment. The detective would dream that he was there waiting for her..  _Get it together, Liv,_ her mind said. Suddenly, Rollins' voice cut through the air. 

"Our hacker found uploads from Peter going back five years. Every year, a new girl. Five Lolitaville videos. Emily makes six." The blonde said, showing Barba images of the girls.

"Same scenario every time?" Barba asked, looking at both Rollins and Olivia.  _Her eyes.._ Barba thought, looking into the brown pools. This was why he decided to be a permanent prosecutor for SVU. He couldn't stand not seeing Olivia at least once a week. Olivia noticed the ADA staring at her, and you could feel the electricity in the room. 

"At first, he starts in the bedroom, then to the bath, and then... It depends on audience requests." Rollins responded, noticing the two staring at each other. She had noticed it when they had first met Barba, how the man spent a little longer holding onto Olivia's hand then hers. And how they kept on staring at each other every time they met. It couldn't be more obvious that the two loved each other, at least to her. 

"How long between posts?" Barba asked, finally breaking eye contact with Olivia. 

"Sometimes a few days, and sometimes more." Rollins said. 

"No sense of place or time, outside sounds..." Barba trailed off. He couldn't stand knowing that a girl was being kept in these types of conditions.  _Probably what drives Olivia to be so.. passionate,_ he thought. 

"It's a windowless room. The clothes, the toys, bedspreads, furniture. They're all generic." Olivia said, continuing Barba's sentence. 

"All we have are the girls." The ADA said. 

"Yeah." 

"Odds are, when he's through... they go into drugs or prostitution. They're probably in the system. I'll issue warrants." Barba stated, sounding determinate. 

 _What?_ Olivia's mind said. She couldn't believe him sometimes.  _Just because I'm in love with him doesn't mean I have to agree with him,_ the detective thought. She opened her mouth to say something, but Rollins beat her to the punch. 

"Warrants for what? They're all victims."

"You'll think of something. We've got to get Emily. Fast. These other girls, it's too late for them."

Olivia stared at him. She really didn't expect him to be so.. passionate about this. About Emily. About SVU.  _He will drive me insane._

\---

Barba was filling out paperwork in his office when his phone pinged. "Hey, we got Emily" his screen said, showing a text message from Olivia.

"Great." He texted back. It was nice to know that his efforts proved to be fruitful, although he missed going over and seeing Oliva.

Across town, Olivia was debating on what to text back. _Should I ask him to meet with me after work or something?_ Her mind asked. It was driving her crazy, not being able to see him. This crush was affecting more than she would admit, and no one had ever made her feel like this. _Like a naive teenager,_ she thought cynically. Their previous ADA Alex Cabot had come close though, but it hadn't worked out in the end. Her phone suddenly rang, interrupting her thought process. 

"Benson." 

\---

Manor Hill was horrible. The fact that they covered up sex abuse was even worse. At least that's what Olivia suspected. She and Rollins were on their way to Barba's office to show what they had found, along with a very nice bulletin board that Rollins had created.

"Lassiter wasn't an isolated predator. We're looking at three decades of sexual abuse, a dozen victims and counting. At least four of the teachers were serial abusers all under the previous headmaster." Rollins said, motioning towards the bulletin board. She could see Barba's wheels turning in his head.

"Terrific graphic work. Any of this happen in the last five years?" Barba asked. Rollins shook her head.

"Are any of the victims under 23 now?" Barba asked again. Olivia shook her head.  _This isn't going well,_ she thought. The detective knew better then to argue with an ADA over statute of limitations. Especially Barba. 

Rollins decided to answer, only to get cut off. "No, but we've got--" 

"Okay, different states do have different statutes. Did any of this take place on a field trip or a sports team road trip? Connecticut, Massachusetts." The ADA said, signing some paper handed to him. Olivia sighed internally. It was like this man was on an autopilot, always running or doing something. She couldn't figure him out.

"You ever think about going off caffeine?" Rollins asked.

"That'd be a no. So why are you here again?" Barba fired back with a hint of sass. He watched Olivia only look at him, almost as if she was thinking about him.  _Fat chance_ , his mind told him.

"If you'd let us get a word in, counselor... Thank you. The systemic abuse. It is highly unlikely that no one in the school's administration knew about it." Olivia finally blurted out. 

"Highly unlikely? That's a long way from beyond a reasonable doubt. Have you been to the school?"

"Obviously they were less than forthcoming." Olivia said, droning out whatever Barba said next. She watched him fire back responses to Rollins seamlessly, like he was a robot or something.  _A very attractive robot._ She had to do something about this crush, but what? It wasn't like she was ever very good at her romantic life, and her last relationship had been with Brian, if you could even call it that. She had kissed him in the hospital as a pity type thing, to make up to what happened 14 years ago. He had asked her out afterward, but she declined. Again. Barba's voice suddenly snapped her back to attention. 

"If he did abuse students, he won't admit it. Tell him you already know. He might try to save himself by turning on Manor Hill. Schools like this, there's an insularity, a culture of secrecy and self-preservation. If you want those field stone walls to tumble, you're gonna need heavy artillery." He would know. Schools like this made him glad that he didn't grow up a rich kid, only as a child in El Barrio who had gotten lucky with a Harvard scholarship. He had seen all the students at Harvard who thought they were better than him just because they had trust funds and were born with a silver spoon in their mouth, and had vowed to get back at them in some way. And apparently, this was the way to do it.

\---

Rita stormed into Barba's office, interrupting the ADA. "Sorry to interrupt the celebration."

"Ms. Calhoun." The ADA glared at the defense lawyer, daring her to say something more. 

"I understand you're looking at Benjamin Strepek's medical records."

"That was fast."

"Manor Hill is beloved." Barba scoffed internally. _Yes, yes it is. And once I'm done, you won't be able to protect it anymore._  "You can't use those records. They're privileged." Calhoun stated.

"Next of kin waive privilege. Please come again."

"CPLR, section 4504, subsection C. "No one can waive "a dead person's patient/doctor privilege "with respect to records that would disgrace the memory of the decedent." Here is our motion to the supervising judge. Always a pleasure." 

Olivia looked at Barba, almost as if saying 'this can't be true.' And yet, it was. Barba hated these obscure laws that nobody really payed attention to until they needed them, and from the looks of it, both Olivia and Rollins did too. 

"So what are we gonna do?" Olivia asked.

"Argue that it doesn't apply." Barba answered.

"But what Strepek did was disgraceful." Rollins said, a little confused.

"Maybe not, if we can put this thing in a different context. You think it was disgraceful. I think it was disgraceful. That teacher that you interviewed, uh... Tompkins. He said back in the day, sex with students was warm and affectionate, not disgraceful. Get him to tell that to the judge."

Olivia couldn't believe him. This was ridiculous, even for Barba. "So we're going to argue that... raping boys is morally acceptable."

"Raping boys. Tompkins said that it was loving, consensual sex." The ADA said back, noticing Olivia's look of disbelief. Aimed at him.  

"Lose the battle. Win the war."

\---

"You happy, Detective?" Barba asked, walking over to where Olivia and Amaro were standing.

"As a matter of fact, I am." She answered, looking at him, staring into his green eyes.  _I got to do something about this,_ she thought. 

"The grand jury could probably still indict some of these people for something." Amaro said, watching the stage. 

"I can get the indictment. I'll never get the conviction. But that was never really the point, was it?" Barba said. He had gotten his revenge, at least for this school. And he had satisfied Olivia. Speaking of which..

"Hey Olivia?" He asked, motioning for the detective to step away from Amaro. The male detective didn't say anything, still transfixed on the stage. 

"Yeah?" Olivia said, wondering what he was doing. The case was over, and yet he was still talking to her.

"How would you...like to go out for a nightcap?" Barba finally said, feeling nervous for the first time in a while. Standing so close to her did that to him. He noticed how she was almost the same height as him without heels, something that he hadn't noticed before.

 _What?_ Olivia's mind said. Her mind went blank, until she realized she should probably say something. "Um.. Sure." She blurted out, staring into his green eyes and smelling his cologne. 

Barba cheered internally, as he walked Olivia out the school, and into the night. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I addressed Olivia/Brian's relationship in this, I'm just going to pretend it doesn't exist from now on. And hints of past Cabenson. And thank you all for reading, I know this chapter is really long. And what happens on the nightcap... next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay.. and I'm back!! My life is pretty hectic on the weekdays, so I normally don't get time to write (today is an exception.) I think this chapter might be where some true angst starts... (dodges tomatoes from angry barson viewers) Anyways thanks for all the positive feedback, and for everyone who left kudos or commented! These all make my day, you all have no idea. Thank you thank you thank you!!

It was a hectic day for Olivia, to say the least. The weight of dealing with Jessie's rape case and the other seven open cases on her desk was getting to her, not to mention the mountain of paperwork that only seemed to grow, even when she took the time to fill the forms out. The detective was so busy that she almost didn't have time to think about Barba. Almost. After the nightcap last week, the ADA had earned an ever-existing spot in her mind, and it was only growing. She thought back to a particularly interesting conversation they had that night.

_"So you came from the Bronx? Interesting." Olivia said, sipping her gin and tonic_

_"Yeah. My family.." Barba trailed off, not sure how to continue. "Was hectic, to say the least."_

_"Ha." Olivia let out a short laugh. "My family, if you could call it that.. try imagining your family then multiply the chaos by 100."_

_"That bad huh?" The ADA asked, unsure if he should pry. Olivia seemed to know a thing or two about broken families. And he wasn't sure why, and he really didn't want to know. She almost seemed.. vulnerable at the mention of her family. At least that was what he was observing. And it only made him fall harder for the detective sitting beside him._

_"Yep. My mother.." Olivia wasn't sure if she should, or could continue. "Just.. Never mind. I'll tell you later."_

_Barba could sense the brunette's uneasiness, and he knew that asking more would probably make her clam up even more. He decided to let it go._

_Olivia's phone suddenly rang, and she picked up, face growing more serious by the second. "Barba, sorry, I've got to go." She said, after hanging up. "A girl was found in Central Park. It doesn't look good."_

_Barba nodded his head in understanding, only to catch her forearm as she turned to leave. "Olivia.. Do this again?"_

_Olivia looked at Barba, surprised. "Sure." The brunette flashed a real smile at him, one that he had never seen before, and quickly left the bar, leaving Barba behind._

A shrill ring suddenly interrupted Olivia's thoughts, and she answered the cell phone, not checking who it was.

"Olivia? Hi. The Suffolk County DA just called me and asked for the case files on Jessie. And she said something about Jessie facing murder charges. Any idea what that's about?"

Olivia's mind froze after hearing Barba's voice, but she slowly relaxed after hearing him talk about work. Not her. Or them. Or whatever they were right now. Friends? Coworkers?

"I'm not sure, I'll come down to your office with the cavalry, that okay?" Olivia finally said after processing what she had heard.  _Murder charges? What is going on?_

"Yeah, see you in 10."

\---

"The Suffolk County DA..." Rollins finally broke the silence, after the group watched the older woman storm out of Barba's office. Barba was filling the squad in about Jessie's arrest, apparently getting some details from someone at the Suffolk's office, when the woman had marched in, demanding to see files about Jessie.  

"Pam James." Barba said, correcting the blonde detective. 

"Drove in to see you about Jessie Sturgis?" Rollins finished, with a hint of disbelief. 

"Pay no attention to Ms. James's icy demeanor. Underneath, she's all steel." Barba said, looking at everyone. He noticed how Olivia seemed a little quieter than usual, although that probably had to do with the fact that a victim of rape had just been accused of murdering someone. 

"What's this got to do with our rape case?" Fin asked the room. 

"Just going to ask you the same question. Walk me through it." Barba said, looking at the detectives for an answer.

Olivia finally broke her silence, and started summarizing the case. "Four months ago, Jessie Sturgis was raped by a Michael Provo."

"Provo's side, it was consensual sex, and she lied 'cause she was afraid of her boyfriend." Amaro continued.

"Tommy Bandolce." Barba stated. "The guy that Jessie's accused of murdering last night?" Rollins nodded, and the pieces suddenly clicked together for Barba. "That's why Ms. James wants to see your case. She wants background on Jessie. She's also worried Provo was falsely accused."

"Did she tell you that Michael Provo is a CI for their office, helped make her the DA? She's just looking to protect her own." Olivia said, looking to Barba for an answer. The whole case against Jessie for murder was getting stranger and stranger by the second, and she couldn't bring herself to believe that Jessie had actually killed someone.

"Didn't come up. Either way, she wants us to open our kimono." Barba said, enjoying the confused look on Fin's face.

"Excuse me?" The male detective blurted out.

"She wants to see all of our case work, all the DA's files." Rollins explained to Fin.

"So she can build a case against Jessie. I assume you told her no." Olivia said, directing her statement to Barba, with a hint of disbelief and exasperation. 

"Detective, there's a protocol among DAs. I can't just say no. I told her I was new to the office when the case broke, and I needed to get up to speed, so get me up to speed." Barba stated, almost as if the answer was obvious. It only made Olivia more frustrated at the ADA. _Frustratingly cute. And handsome._ Her mind said. Barba watched the detective as he continued. "Labor Day Weekend. Local precinct got the first call?"

"No, EMS. Jessie had been out partying with her girlfriends, she collapsed on the street. She was taken to Mercy Hospital." Olivia answered. She explained what had happened at the hospital in detail, with help from the other detectives.

"So Tommy basically yanks her out of her hospital bed, and she goes with him." Rollins finished.

"We knew that it was a crap story, but we also knew that she was afraid of her boyfriend." Olivia said.

Barba was quiet for a moment, then something popped into his mind. "This boyfriend, Tommy Bandolce, the one she shot last night, what's his deal?" He asked.

"Two-bit contractor. Couple of assault convictions, bar fights." Fin said. 

"Suffolk County Police responded to three prior domestics at Jessie's house. Jessie never pressed charges." Rollins continued.

"The number she called that night at the bar, who was it?"

"We traced it to Michael Provo-- Your DA pal's confidential informant. The next day, Fin and I drove out to his PI office in lslip. He was.. cocky to say the least." Olivia said, explaining their visit to Provo, and his explanation for everything. Barba smirked at Provo's lame excuse, although he had to give the man credit for coming up with the "we are in an affair last night all consensual" explanation, even though anyone could see that Jessie was deathly scared of doing anything to betray her boyfriend. He listened as Amaro described how Provo had gotten a lawyer even though he wasn't being interrogated, and how it seemed like Provo had a lot of juice. Everywhere. His phone suddenly pinged with a text message, and Barba chuckled aloud as he read what it said. Olivia looked at him for an explanation, and he happily gave one.

"She's still protecting him." Barba said, sounding amused. "She's arraigning Jessie in two hours. What are we waiting for?"

\---

"Who'll take care of him?!" Jessie cried out in open court, after hearing her bail.

"The court will be in touch with social services." The judge said, frowning upon the frantic woman below him.

"Tell him I didn't do it! You know I didn't do this! Tell him! Please tell him!" She screamed at Olivia, and Barba noticed how the detective looked particularly shaken up.

"Things seem to be moving awfully fast out here." Amaro commented.

"We're in someone else's courthouse, and it's not our case. She's their defendant." Barba said.

"I know, but she's also our victim." Olivia said, and turned to look at Barba. Brown eyes met green, and Barba could feel Olivia's emotions communicated in this one look. How she felt so powerless knowing that Jessie was sitting in jail and she couldn't do anything about it, or how frustrated she felt about this case. And Olivia could sense a little uneasiness in Barba too, and that scared her. A lot. This man was confident, part of what made him so attractive. They moved a little close to each other, almost touching, until a throat cleared and both were yanked out of their daze.

Amaro looked sheepish having witnessed what might have been the most loaded staring contest he had ever seen, and he quickly broke the silence. "Um.. We should get out of here. Olivia, you want to talk to Jessie?"

"Hmm? Oh.. Yeah. Come on, let's go." The detective said, walking out of the courtroom. Amaro gave Barbara a knowing look, as they trailed out behind her. 

\---

"We're in business." Barba said, catching up to Olivia.

"Are we?" The detective asked, sounding uneasy. 

"Mm-hmm." Barba said. He knew that Olivia was taking this really hard, because she wanted justice for Jessie. Part of what made her so attractive.

"Two trials at the same time? What if Suffolk County goes to jury before us?" Olivia asked, seeming nervous. 

"Leave that for our esteemed appellate court."

"While Jessie rots in her jail cell and Provo's out on bail." The detective stated in disbelief. She hated this. Not being able to help Jessie.

"Detective... you think you can do this faster? Help yourself." Barba said, turning to her. This stare was nothing like the one hours before, and both people could sense it. This was one with more of reassurance, mostly for Olivia.  _Hopefully, this will all be over soon. And Jessie will be out of jail._ Olivia thought, stepping into the elevator.

\---

Olivia let out a sigh of relief, slipping into an open interrogation room. Pam James had just left after agreeing to drop the charges and file new ones against Provo, and Jessie was going to be let out of jail. Back to Matthew. Back to freedom. She suddenly heard the door click open, and was surprised to see that Barba had walked in.

"Hi Olivia." Barba said, slowly closing the door and observing the interrogation room. He hadn't been in this type of room before, at least not in Manhattan.

"Hey. Why are you here?"

"Just checking up on a friend." Barba replied, smirking a little.

"You consider me as a friend?" Olivia asked, looking at the ADA.

"Sure. We hang out, and we talk to each other. That's friendship, isn't it?" 

"I guess, although the hanging out was just once." Olivia said.

"Then why not do it again? Nightcap?" Barba asked.

"Sure." Olivia said, smiling a little for the first time in a week, as Barba lead her out and into the night. 

   
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I wrote this really late at night, thank you thank you thank you all who have read, commented, or gave kudos to this work. It really makes my day, you don't even know how much! Hopefully I might update this tomorrow if i have the time, it's a day off ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPLOADING SPREE!! I think I might be able to do one a day for like two more days so a lot more to come! Hopefully this chapter things will start happening... I have no idea how this will turn out. But thanks for reading!

Olivia felt horrible for Murphy. Not only had he been raped and assaulted by a man he had picked up from a bar, but his life was falling apart. At least that was what Olivia knew. And the fact that she was bisexual wasn't making this case any easier. _Gay bashed by a gay man,_ she thought. The detective looked over at Murphy, who was sitting close to her desk. He looked like someone who's life had just ended.  _And it won't get any easier,_ she thought.  _Especially with the trial. At least Barba's prosecuting this one._ She thought about Barba, about his eyes, the way he dressed, his confident manner...  _Get it together._ The nightcap a couple of days ago was more of a getting-to-know-you type thing, and the more she learned about him, the more harder she crushed on him. She suddenly heard footsteps, and turned to see Barba walking into the precinct. 

"Mr. Murphy, thank you for coming in. I'm Rafael Barba, lead prosecutor on the case." Barba said, shaking the man's hand. He felt bad for him, mostly because he knew what it felt like to be rejected by family members because of his sexuality. He thought back to his dad catching him with his boyfriend in high school, and the harsh words that had been exchanged after it.

_"Rafael. What was that?" His father screamed at him, after yanking him out of his bedroom half naked._

_Rafael was scared. Normally, his dad's anger was directed towards him for not being enough of a man. But this time.. it was somehow worse. "Papa, I can explain-"_

_"No son of mine will be gay. Never!" The next thing Rafael felt was the wind being knocked out of him by his dad's fist, and he crumpled to the ground. "Shame on you!" His dad said, spitting at Rafael on the ground._

_"But.. I also like girls too, Dad." Rafael cried out, slowly getting back up._

_"WHAT? You can only like one or the other. And from whatever I just saw in there, you are gay! You are a disgrace to this family!" Barba Sr. punched his son again, and this time, Rafael didn't bother to get back up._

Barba's daze was suddenly cut into by Amaro's voice. 

"You know at the hotel, before he attacked you-- did you kiss him?" The male detective asked. Barba noticed how he seemed angry at Murphy, and he felt a bubble of rage build up in his throat at Amaro.  _You couldn't be any less sensitive._

"Then you got a good look at his face, didn't you?" Amaro finished, glaring at him. Barba decided to cut in before Amaro said anything worse. As much as he hated what the detective said, career suicide wasn't good for anyone. And from the look on Olivia's face, she also seemed angry at what Amaro said. _I wonder why.._

"We're looking for a killer, Mr. Murphy. You have a civic duty." Barba finally said.

"You do know this is the end of my life?" Murphy cried out.

"You're lucky you're alive at all." Barba fired back. Like it or not, he had to make his case.

"We're gonna be with you in a few moments. Why don't you have a seat over here." Olivia said, leading Murphy into an interview room. Barba could tell that Olivia was about to give Amaro a verbal lashing, and he couldn't blame her.  "'Did you kiss him?' Nick, he's a victim." Olivia yelled at Amaro. 

"He's a victim in search of a crime. Look, if he'd have gotten into that Mercedes with his family and driven to Connecticut--" Amaro fired back.

"You mean like he was supposed to?" Olivia said, glaring at Amaro. The male detective could tell he was losing this fight, and an angry Olivia was something no one wanted to deal with. 

"All I'm saying is he would have been fine." Olivia gave Amaro one last glare, then went off to help Murphy do the lineup. Barba closely followed, and Amaro noticed how the lawyer was unusually quiet. _Huh,_ he thought, walking after the ADA. 

\---

"An issue the Supreme Court decided about 100 years ago. I'm sorry, where did Mr. Jones find you exactly?" Barba asked the lawyer, looking at her. He couldn't believe that Jones had hired this woman, no matter how low his budget was. She was constantly grasping at straws, and it was starting to annoy him. But that really didn't take much.

"I hand out my cards at the Village Halloween Parade." She replied, looking a little sheepish.

"Admirable. So you know the protocol. Now you get to go in there and give your client the good news." Barba said, smirking. Olivia watched behind him, and thought back to earlier when he was spacing out. _What were you thinking about?_ Her mind said.  _Why don't you just ask him?_

"Barba.. Earlier, when we were talking to Murphy.. what were you thinking about?" Olivia blurted out. The ADA turned and looked at her, and she felt his eyes see through her, as if he knew every thought she had.

Barba was silent for a moment, as he didn't know how to answer this without giving away anything. "Just.. a past experience with my dad." He finally said, hoping that his voice didn't betray him.

Olivia could sense his vulnerability, and she knew that she wasn't going to get any further on this subject. But she knew whatever had happened with Barba Sr. had deeply scarred the ADA, and she wasn't sure she was ever going to know what happened.

\---

"You've got to be kidding me. You're dropping the murder charge?" Olivia exclaimed, looking at Barba. She knew that the ADA had went and visited Jones, but she couldn't make herself believe that Jones' lawyer had actually convinced Barba to drop the murder charge. _I thought you were better than this, Barba._

"My best evidence is what Jones's husband told you, and we can't use it." Barba said. He didn't it either, but the murder charge was so out there that even he couldn't win it.

"But you still have the assaults." Olivia said, hoping that they still had those charges.

"Iffy. I'll pile the charges on. Rape, robbery, unlawful imprisonment. But he didn't prey on altar boys. The jury is going to think those men were asking for it." Barba replied. From the way Olivia reacted to the last sentence, saying that was probably a mistake.

"Only thing worse than he-said, she-said is he-said, he-said." Fin cut in.

"Hold on. You can't use Mason's testimony in court, right? But you can use it to investigate." Olivia said.

"That's legal."

"Mason said that Jones was some kind of gigolo and that women gave him gifts. Now, does anybody believe that?" Barba liked where Olivia was going with this, and he liked fired-up Olivia even more. Passionate Olivia was one of the hotter things that he had ever seen in his life. 

"Gifts? This guy would steal acorns from a blind squirrel." Fin said. 

"Thank you."

"We're worried that all the jury will see here is gay sex games. Uh, find me some female victims." Barba said.

"Back to hunk night." Fin said, standing up and leaving the room. Olivia gave one last look at Barba, then left behind Fin.

\---

"Hello." Olivia said, walking over to Barba sitting at the bar.

"How did you find me?" Barba asked, already knowing the answer.

"Well, I'm a trained detective." _And you've also taken me to this place once or twice too. "_ Plus I could smell the scotch. No luck on the female victims." Olivia said. 

"Mm-hm." Barba murmured, still chewing on his salmon.

"We tracked down a woman who basically invited Jones to steal from her, and he declined." Olivia said. 

"You say that like it's bad news." Barba said. _Olivia, you don't know it, but you just helped me send Jones away for three extra years._ Olivia only looked confused, still watching the ADA.

"Sit. Drink. Smile." Barba said, tapping on the bar stool. The detective gave him a weird look. He had said this line during both of their nightcaps, and it was almost becoming an opening line for him. Olivia sat down, and ordered a cabernet, and listened to Barba explain what he was about to do. 

"I use the hate crime statute, all the penalties get bumped up. I can put Jones away for extra years." Barba said, and Olivia could see the excited glint in his eyes. One that also appeared whenever he smiled. And she had only seen him smile at her.

"You're gonna argue that a gay man married to another gay man hates gays?" Olivia asked in disbelief.

Barba nodded his head. "Watch me."

\---

The case wasn't going well, with the judge forcing Barba to get rid of the hate crimes statute and declaring a mistrial on all the counts except for the unlawful imprisonment. Barba seemed frustrated, and Olivia couldn't blame him. She knew that the smoking gun was somewhere out there, but they just needed to find it.  _Easier said then done,_ she thought, walking into Barba's office with Amaro. He had called them there to discuss what to do, and to see if they could get Murphy to testify again.  _If there's even anything to do about this._

"Slow down, counselor. On the stand, Jones talked about the men he hates buying anniversary gifts for their fake wives. It's a funny idea to pop into his head." Amaro said, after Murphy had stormed out of Barba's office. 

"Laurel Dunleavy told us that her husband died a few days before their anniversary." Olivia said, suddenly realizing what Amaro was getting at.

"So if he bought her something and he had it with him when Jones killed him--" Barba trailed off.

"Jones took it. There was nothing in that hotel room. And that should tie him to the murder victim." Olivia said, watching Barba's face as the pieces finally clicked.

"Run Dunleavy's credit cards. See if he did any anniversary shopping on the day he was killed." Barba said.  _You guys just won my case._

\---

"You're my lawyer, not his. You think you can sell me out? I will take you down so fast--" Jeremey screamed into his lawyer's face. Fin had just confronted him with the bracelet Mason had turned in, and Jeremey had reacted badly to it, to say the least.

"Hey, hey! Back up, Mr. Jones!" Olivia said, pulling Jones off of his lawyer.

"You okay, counselor?" Fin asked.

"Yeah. Yeah, I've had worse. Right? You were wrong about him. He doesn't just hate gays." She said.

"He hates everyone." Olivia replied.

"No. He hates himself." Barba finished, and everyone nodded, watching Jeremey being dragged out of the courtroom, still screaming.

\---

"Hey Barba, could I speak to you?" Olivia asked, after they had exited the courtroom. 

"Sure. My office?" Barba asked, and the detective nodded. They walked into the elevator, and got off on the floor where Barba's office was. The ADA's mind was racing, as Olivia hadn't ever asked to speak with him. At least not at work. 

"So." Barba said, closing his office door. 

"I just wanted to thank you for doing so good on this case." Olivia said, facing Barba, not noticing how close they were to each other. "I know that it impacted you a lot, even if you didn't show it. Your past-"

Barba suddenly cut off the detective. "Olivia, could I do something?"

"Sure. Wha-" Olivia was suddenly cut off by Barba's lips crashing against hers, and her mind froze. But her mouth automatically responded, after dreaming about this for so long. They kissed in the middle of Barba's office, lips meeting lips, tongues battling each other for dominance, only finally pulling away for air, foreheads still touching. Olivia broke the silence first. 

"Wow. Barba-" She was interrupted again by the ADA meeting his lips with hers, and no words were exchanged for another couple of moments, as they kissed. Olivia ran her hands through Barba's hair, noticing how soft it was. Barba pulled away finally, taking a step back. 

"Olivia, no regrets right?" He said, hoping that his voice didn't reveal how nervous he felt. 

"Barba. You have no idea how long I have wanted to do this." Olivia answered, giving him the sweetest look. 

"Call me Rafael. At least when we're alone." He said, grabbing two glasses and a bottle of cabernet from inside his desk. He sat down at the table in the middle of his office, pulling out a chair for Olivia. 

"Sit. Drink. Smile."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAHAHHAHHAHAHA (evil laugh) Yes I finally did it! They are together now! (or are they) And I have a vague idea where this will be going, expect the next two chapters in the following days! And I know I've said this a lot, but thank you thank you thank you for all of the positive feedback that you all have given me, it makes me so happy.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't upload yesterday when I said I was going to, it might be some time before I upload again after this chapter.

Barba hated their current case. Micha Green had been abused by her boyfriend, something that he had seen too often growing up, and he knew that it wasn't going to be easy getting the singer to testify against Caleb Bryant.  _This is going to drive me insane,_ the ADA thought, walking into the 16th precinct. He smiled a little at the thought of seeing Olivia, but that wasn't new. They had gone on only one date after their kiss in his office, mostly because their work schedules had never lined up. He thought back to that date, thought back to seeing Olivia. In a dress. With Makeup. For him. 

_Barba stood outside of her apartment. At least for what he hoped was her apartment._ Breathe,  _the ADA thought. The door suddenly opened, and his breath caught, eyeing her up and down. Olivia was wearing a navy dress that cut off just above the knee, and her hair was in a messy bun. She was even more beautiful than he had imagined._

_"Hey Bar- I mean Rafael. You ready?" Olivia asked, opening her apartment door a little wider. The normally sharp-tongued lawyer was unusually quiet, as he stepped into her apartment._

_"Hi. Um, you like Italian, right?" Rafael finally blurted out, looking around her apartment. It was a nice place, although it was quite messy. He noticed the unwashed dishes in the sink, and the clothes scattered on the floor. There were some photos of what he assumed was her mom, and another photo with Olivia and a younger blonde, both grinning._ _The name "Cabot" suddenly came to his mind, and he realised that she had probably worked with Olivia. The ADA finally realized he should say something._

_"Nice place."_

_"Yeah, I guess. I spend most of my time in the squadroom, although somehow it's always messy." Olivia responded, noting that Rafael had seen the picture of her and Alex. She made a mental note to tell him about that. Later._

_Rafael helped Olivia put her coat on, and they stepped outside her apartment, and walked down the hall together, arm in arm. They went to a little Italian restaurant, and had made polite conversation for most of the time. Most of the time._

Barba's daze was suddenly interrupted by a voice.  _Olivia,_ he thought. 

"Barba? Hello? We need to talk Micha and tell her that this might go to trial." The detective said. Barba nodded, and they both left the room together, with the ADA guiding her along. The way his hand rested on her back didn't go unnoticed by Rollins, and she wondered if they had finally acted on their feelings. They had been dancing around each other for months, and it was getting old.

\---

"Well, where's the plastic surgeon? Tell 'em to send a limo. Tell 'em to send a damn helicopter." Price screamed into his phone. "What are you-- Alicia, what are you doing? I said no press!" The sight of Olivia's police badge caused the manager to finally hang up. "Listen, uh... Micha's resting. This can wait, right?" 

"No, it can't. I'm Detective Benson, and this is Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba."  _And we're dating,_ she mentally added. The car ride to Micha's hotel room was eventful, with the two of them talking about everything but their relationship. She knew she wanted this, and from the looks of it, Barba did too, but she wasn't sure how they were going to get there. Not when they couldn't even find time for a second date. 

"How you doing? Listen, she's gonna issue a statement through her publicist." Price said again. Olivia groaned internally, knowing this guy was going to make their jobs a whole lot harder than they already were. He was already putting up roadblocks so that they couldn't talk to Micha.  

"It can't wait. Meanwhile, we need to speak to her." Barba said, coming to her rescue. 

"All right, let's do it." Price moved to go into the bedroom with them, but Olivia stopped that quite quickly. 

"How about you wait here? Thank you."

"You're welcome." Price yelled back, as the duo walked into Micha's room. Barba gave Price one last look. He knew the detective could be quite intimidating, and that was also what drew him to her. Fired up Olivia was a turn-on for him, even if he didn't care to admit it. 

"How you feeling?" Olivia asked Micha, walking into her room, noticing how her TV was on to footage of Caleb, her boyfriend, being dragged out of a club in cuffs. He was treating it like some sort of joke, blurting promotional phrases to the press. She paused it after hearing "Buy my album" being yelled out by Caleb. 

"You had to do this to Caleb?" Micha asked, finally turning her attention away from the TV. 

"He did it to himself. And to you." Olivia said in a gentle tone. 

"Not according to my twitter feed. They're either calling me a ho or begging me to forgive him." The singer fired back. Barba noticed Olivia coil back from Micha's comment. He wasn't sure whether the singer would be able to do this, and it frustrated him. The ADA had seen his mother been beat up one too many times, and he had always wished that he could have been enough of a man to stand up for her.  

"Anyone who says that, you should block them immediately. 'Cause what he did to you is despicable." Olivia said, sounding a little angry. "Micha, this is Rafael Barba from the DA's office." 

"I'll be handling the prosecution."

"Prosecution? Is that necessary?" Micha said, sounding scared.  

"Unless he pleads guilty, this will go to trial." Barba explained. He knew that testifying was the hard part. Hell, even going to the police was difficult already. 

"You mean I have to testify? In public?"

"That may happen, yes." 

"But we will be with you every step of the way." Olivia said. She hoped that Micha could get a support system here, but from how the singer was describing it, that wasn't going to happen.

"Look... I've been on my own a long time." The singer said, sounding a little defeated.

"And here you are again. Looking like this. And look at him. Acting as if nothing ever happened." Olivia said. Both her and Barba noticed how something changed in Micha, as she slowly realized how she had to do this.

"Caleb thinks he can do this to me and get away with it? It's not happening." Micha said in a defiant tone. Barba perked up at the sound of that.  _At least one victim might be able to get justice._

\---

"The bottom line here is that you are not safe." Olivia said to Micha, hoping that the singer wasn't going to back out now.

"I want this to be over. I don't want the world to see me like that. Like a victim. This is my call. I'm not going to court."

\---

"You don't need her testimony." Olivia said, sitting next to Barba in a restaurant along with Amaro.  

"That's changed. The Crawford decision, thank you, Judge Scalia, made that a heavier lift." Barba fired back. He had hoped that finally a domestic violence victim could stand up against their abuser. _But that would be too easy, wouldn't it?_ He thought cynically, as Amaro gave them some more bad news.

"So does this. Rollins says Ferrari, the sound engineer, just booked a gig in Buenos Aires. That's the game."

"Okay. We can't just let him walk away, because we know how that goes. Look, can't you push for a deal before they know that Micha's backing out?" Olivia asked Barba, not hiding the pleading tone in her voice. 

"It's too late. They're all part of the same music industrial complex." Barba said. 

"Come on, Barba. You can be very persuasive when you want to be."  _What does that mean?_ Barba thought.  _Oh._ It suddenly hit him, as he realized what Olivia was talking about. Their date. 

_"Olivia, I know I would have to bring this up eventually." Rafael said, looking into her eyes. Green met brown, and Olivia knew what he was talking about. It wouldn't make telling him any easier though, and she wasn't sure if she could do it. On their first date._

_"You're talking about my mom, right?" Olivia said, setting down her fork. Rafael gave her a slight nod, and she knew there was no getting out of this. "It's.."_

_"I know that whatever it is, it isn't easy to tell anyone. But.. just know that I will stick by you."_

_"Like a pesky fly?" She said, giving him a slight smirk._

_"Sure. Whatever you want me to be." The ADA gave her a grin back, and she knew that he could tell him._

_"I'm only doing this because you are one of the most persuasive people that I know." Olivia took a deep breath, as she prepared herself for what she was about to say next. "My mother... she was raped. And I'm the product of it."_

_Rafael didn't say anything, as he set down his fork. He stared into her eyes, giving her the most loving look she had ever received. "Olivia. This doesn't change anything. Between us. It only makes me more attracted to you. Because it takes a lot of courage to be that child. And for you to have turned something bad into motivation for something good, that makes you one of the bravest people I know."_

_Olivia blinked back tears, as she held on to his hands. Maybe, everything might turn out alright._

\---

"Suspended sentence. Now, why didn't the judge just ask for a photo with Caleb?" Amaro said, storming outside with Olivia and Barba.

"What did they pull to get Ortiz? She talks tough but always sentences light." Olivia said, agreeing with the male detective.

"I know. It's an endless disappointment to NYPD that we don't summarily execute people you arrest. This isn't a conspiracy. She saw a first offense, contrition, no violence in the encounter." Barba fired back. He understood Olivia's frustration, and he hated that he couldn't do anything about it.

"I saw a woman who's traumatized, who doesn't realize the danger that she's in." Olivia said, turning and facing Barba. She knew a little about what Barba had grown up in, although she suspected that it probably was a lot worse than he was saying.

"It's domestic violence. There's only so much the courts can do until the victim's ready." Barba said.  _And I would know._

\---

 

Barba couldn't believe it. Brass, Micha's producer, had been killed. By Caleb. And there was nothing he could do about it. Micha wasn't talking, and they couldn't find anyone else that was even there. They didn't have any forensics or surveillance footage that could prove that Caleb was even there at the club where Brass was shot.  _So we have nothing,_ he thought, looking over at Olivia, who was standing in the middle of the precinct, hoping to conjure up some idea on how to save this case, along with the rest of the squad.   

"Caleb has a hold on her. I mean, going against him feels impossible. But she did love Brass. That was real." Olivia said, finally coming up with something. Barba realized what she was getting at.

"I hope you're right."

\---

"I said goodnight to her at 10:00 and I posted a uni outside her door." Olivia said, walking along with Barba. She had gotten him coffee on the way to work, and he had swung by for them to walk to the courthouse together.

"She seem solid?" Barba asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Solid, I mean, so far so good, right?"

"Mm-hmm. You ever been in love like that?" Barba asked, not exactly sure if he wanted to know.

"Like the guy kills somebody in front of me, but he sends me flowers so I let it slide? That's not love, that's brainwashing." Olivia said. Her mind was saying the opposite though. _Olivia, you know it wasn't a guy. It was Alex. She could have killed Elliot in front of you and you would have looked the other way._  The brunette shook her head, trying to rid her mind from the picture of Alex Cabot. In her black glasses.  _Shut up._

"Yeah, I know, but... She thinks she's in love. 11th grade. Lauren Sullivan. She could have massacred my entire family. I would've looked the other way." Barba said. Olivia stood up a little straighter at the sound of the girl's name.

"11th grade. You were 17." The detective said.

"Micha's 19." Barba replied, as they walked towards the courthouse.

\---

"Shocked fans gathered in Manhattan tonight to mourn the death of rising talent Micha Green, whose body was discovered a few hours ago in Bermuda. She'd been vacationing there with her on-again-off-again boyfriend Caleb Bryant, the hip-hop superstar who was recently accused of assaulting the 19-year-old singer." The TV news reporter said, showing footage of the makeshift memorial created by fans.

The squad was silent, as they looked on and watch the video of 9-year old Micha singing. 

_How could someone kill someone so innocent?_ Barba asked himself. One more victim hadn't spoken up, and one more victim was dead. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Lays down tracks for crazy plot line* I wrote this really late at night (again, I got to stop doing this), anyways thanks for reading, and also HUGE thank you for those who comment of leave kudos! I try to reply to every single one of the comments, just to show that I care :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for update gaps.. this week was crazy. This chapter.. You know the episode where Cassidy gets accused of rape? And Olivia is supposedly in a relationship with him? Well this is that. And I have a crazy plot line for it (hint everything goes downhill)

Olivia was actually looking forward to something, for the first time in a while. She was going to take the night off, and spend it with Rafael. At least, that was the plan, until Cassidy called her as she was driving home. He had asked her to come to his place, and she had agreed, because she felt bad for how she had treated him.  _Are you sure that's the reason?_ Her mind asked her, and she pushed those thoughts away. She was with Rafael now, and was committed to him.  _I think._

As she walked up to Cassidy's apartment door, her mind suddenly went into overdrive, and questions started filling her head.  _What does he want? A relationship? I made it painfully clear that I wasn't interested in that. And I have Rafael now. Should I really be doing this?_ The door suddenly swung open, and Olivia's decision was made for her. Cassidy stood there, looking as though he hadn't changed since the last time she saw him. 

"Liv. Hi." He said, staring at her casual attire.

"Hello Brian." Olivia responded. They stood there for another second, taking in each other, until Cassidy invited her in.

"Come in." He motioned inside, and she stepped in. He took his coat for her, as she glanced around, noticing how the place looked like a bachelor pad.

"Brian, what do you want?" Olivia asked, noticing the fleeting look of hurt on his face. "I mean, why did you want to talk to me?"

"Liv, last time we met.."

"I kissed you. I know. But that kiss didn't mean that I wanted something more." Olivia said.

"So no relationship? No friendship? Liv, that's ridiculous." Cassidy fired back.

"Brian, I didn't say I didn't want a friendship. But I can't do.. whatever happened fourteen years ago."

"Then prove that to me. Stay for takeout and a movie or something. Prove to me that you want a friendship. You owe me that at least, Olivia." The detective didn't like him using her full name like that. Like it was a bitter thing to say.

"Fine. I'll stay. But only for the movie. Nothing else." She said it as if it was final, and Cassidy knew better to argue with her. 

They ordered chinese takeout, and settled down on his couch, as he picked out a movie to watch. The two were about twenty minutes into the movie when they heard the door knock.

"I'll get it." Cassidy said, getting up and getting out his wallet. Olivia paused the movie, as he waited for him to come back with the food. A couple minutes passed, as she started to wonder what was taking so long. 

"Brian?" Olivia asked from the couch. She didn't get an answer. _He probably just needs change,_ Olivia thought, as she got up with her wallet. "Hey, need change?" She asked, leafing through some bills. The detective didn't notice who was at the door until she looked over and saw Amaro and Munch.  _Great._

"Liv?" Amaro said.

"Hey guys."  _It's not what it looks like, I promise._ "Look, Brian, I'm going to head out now." She grabbed her coat and purse from his apartment, and left in a haste, leaving three men behind.

\---

 _Crap. Crap crap crap._ Olivia's mind said, as she rushed out of the building.  _This was such a stupid thing to agree to. How could I have let him convince me to stay?_ And then she remembered the look on his face when she said that she didn't want a relationship, and her heart softened. No matter how hard she tried to deny it, she had a soft spot for this guy.  _And I can't do anything about it._

\---

"You and Cassidy." Amaro said, as Olivia headed into work the next day. She had spent the night at her place, too distraught to go over to Barba's. 

""A," I didn't tell you, because it's none of your business. And, "B," it's not that big of a deal. And "C," Nick, I didn't tell you, because I didn't want this." Olivia said. "We're friends. That's it."

Both knew that she wasn't telling the whole truth. 

\---

"Hold on. Heather's boyfriend visited Ganzel? When was this?" Olivia said. She had found out about the rape accusation against Cassidy earlier in the day, and had confronted him about it. He was, of course, extremely defensive during the whole entire conversation, which made her want to rethink this whole "friendship-relationship" thing. The detective have no doubt in her mind that Cassidy hadn't raped anyone, and she knew that she had to get him cleared. She owed him that much, after treating him like crap the last fourteen years. 

"I'll tell Barba the connection." Munch said, grabbing his coat. 

"I have to talk to Barba anyway." Olivia said.  _Barba._ She had forgotten. About him. Which wasn't easy. _How am I going to tell Barba about this? About Brian?_ She asked herself. And she really had no idea. She loved Barba, of course, and they had gone that second date finally a couple days after Micha's death. Her relationship with him was going well, but they were moving quite slow, with both too busy with work to make an extended amount of time with each other.  

"Okay. Liv, you want backup?" Amaro asked. He knew Olivia wasn't saying something about this whole Cassidy thing, and he wanted to figure out what. 

\---

"For the record, this is off the record. This isn't your case." Barba said, walking Olivia and Amaro in. 

Olivia responded quickly. "Ah, duly noted, but it turns out that our alleged victim, Heather Riggs, has a boyfriend named B--"

"Bobby Navarro, who visited Ganzel on Rikers three days ago. IAB knows how to investigate too." Barba fired back.  _Why is she defending this guy? He's a jerk._

"Great, so you know." Olivia said, staring at him. 

"Navarro hears his girlfriend met Cassidy back in the day, he knows Ganzel's about to go to trial, so he middles a deal for Heather to smear Cassidy." Amaro said, quickly backing up his partner. He hated Cassidy, but no one deserved a false accusation. Not even him. 

"So it's a crock. Case closed." Olivia said. 

"Just because Navarro saw an opportunity to cash in on Heather's story, doesn't mean it isn't true." Barba responded. He still didn't know why Olivia was so fired up about this. "So far, any money changing hands is off the books. We can't find it."

"What, you think Ganzel pays by check?" Olivia asked incredulously. She couldn't believe how big of an idiot Barba was being right now. 

"We have looked, and hard. And there's more. Heather's former pimp, Andre, confirms that he sent her to Cassidy."

"Oh, that's a shock. Did Andre get time off his sentence for that?"

"And one of his former prostitutes, now reformed, swears that she saw Heather go into the bedroom with Cassidy for two hours. Plus, Heather has described in great detail a scar on Cassidy's inner thigh. I'm getting a warrant for a physical examination." Barba said. 

"Well, save yourself the trouble. Uh, his... left inner thigh, um... Cassidy was knifed by a drunk when he was a rookie. That's the other thing that I wanted to talk to you about." Olivia said, looking a little sheepish. 

"Ah. Current relationship or past?" Barba asked.  _What?_ Suddenly, it all made sense to him. He knew Olivia was loyal to anyone she was on good terms with, or anyone who had been. But there was something more too, that he couldn't point a finger on. 

"Both. With a 13-year gap."  _Kind of,_ Olivia thought, noticing Barba's expression change into something of anger. 

"So you're not entirely objective. Detective Amaro. You talked to the complainant. Was she credible?" Amaro nodded his head, and Olivia turned to face him. 

"Nick, Cassidy would never rape anyone." Olivia stated, as if this was a fact. 

"But it's possible he knew she was being forcibly compelled. And we know that he has slept with prostitutes on the job before." Barba said. 

"Yes, I remember, thank you."

"A DA from Westchester is coming in to run the trial."

"The trial?"  _What?_

"We're on a fast track. We can't appear to be protecting our own. IAB detectives are arresting Cassidy right now. For rape."  _And I need to talk to you, Liv. We got some things to clear up._ Barba said. 

Amaro left the room to take a phone call from his wife, leaving Barba and Olivia behind. 

_\---_

"Liv, why are you going to bat for this guy?" The ADA asked, turning to the detective. He was angry, to say the least. 

"Brian, you mean? I treated him like shit over the last fourteen years rejecting him over and over again, after a one night stand that I didn't want to turn into something more! I'm trying to make things right!" Olivia fired back.  _What's his problem?_

"Wha- And what about us? Our relationship? "Both- past and current with Brian."" He mocked, using air quotes. "What does that mean, Liv?"

"I saw that scar during that night fourteen years ago! And our current relationship is.. I'm trying to make amends, okay?"

"By sleeping with him?!"

"By being a FRIEND! By sticking by him and supporting him! I owe him that much, at least!"

"How could you risk your job and our relationship for this.. jerk?! He hates everybody! Amaro, Munch, me.." Barba listed everyone off on both hands, siting a couple other people. How could Olivia, of all people, do this? He knew that they weren't that far in their relationship, but he thought that whatever they had was more than this. 

"He's just.."

"Just what, Liv?! Stop defending him! He isn't worth it!"

"Yes he is, Barba!" She spat his name out like it was a curse. "And if I have to choose between you and him, I will choose him! Because I won't abandon him again!"

 _What?_ "Why do you always have to make things right, even for the worst of people?"

The two were in a full on screaming match now, yelling at each other from across Barba's office. 

"Brian isn't the worst of people! And I owe him!"

"Or do you love him?"

 _How dare you.._ "I don't! Why do you think I've rejected him so many times?!"

"You slept with him, for god's sake!"

"One night fourteen years ago! And never again!"

"And yet you still remember a fucking scar on his inner thigh! You know what Liv? Just.. get out!" Barba screamed at her, pointing towards the door. 

"What?!" Olivia exclaimed. She couldn't believe him. 

"Get out! NOW!"

\---

Olivia stormed out of the courthouse, mind still in a whirl. Her relationship had just gone down the toilet, all because of one guy. Brian. How could Rafael think that she had been sleeping with him when they were together? It was like her life had went to hell in 30 minutes, and she couldn't take it. She needed to talk to Cassidy. 

\---

"So what happened in that bedroom?" Olivia asked Cassidy, as they sat in the front of his car. She had to clear this up. For her, for Cassidy, and for Rafael. 

"This pimp was a real piece of crap, okay? I knew she didn't want to be there. I couldn't blow my cover. So I just made up an excuse and went to the back bedroom, and we just talked." Cassidy responded, sounding annoyed like he always did.

"Okay." Olivia said. 

"Okay, what? You do believe me?" He sounded defensive, almost as if he was being attacked.

"Of course I do." Olivia said.  _At least I think I do._

_\---_

"Nick, you okay?" Olivia asked, watching Amaro storm away from the elevator.

"Your boyfriend sandbagged me." He responded in an icy tone. Olivia was about to respond with "He's not my boyfriend", but the male detective was long gone.

\---

"Hey." Olivia said, finally spotting Brian. 

"Our little prick DA-- he interviewed Heather, Heather's boyfriend Navarro, also Heather's friend that was there that night. He dropped the charge." Cassidy said, walking down the courthouse steps. 

"So you're free." Olivia said. 

"Yeah, I'm free to work the night shift at Bronx Courthouse. I think I'm just gonna stick it out. I'm gonna get my 20. I'm damaged goods, Liv."

"Brian, you didn't do anything."

"Once accused, always under suspicion. Even from you."

"From me? What are you talking about? I believed you." Even she knew that she was lying. 

"I wish I could believe that."

"Brian, come on, what are you saying? Oh, what? So we're over now?"

"I don't know. I don't know. You want to go get a drink somewhere and not talk about it?"

Olivia thought about it for a second. She had gotten him out of his situation, and wasn't sure if she wanted to continue a friendship. Not after what happened to Barba.

"Brian, I'll pass, but thank you." Olivia responded. He gave her one last look, as he walked down the courthouse steps. The detective's mind wandered back to Rafael, and she knew that she had to do something. But what?

\---

Just a short walk away, Barba was in his office, downing a cup of scotch. He had heard the news about Cassidy being cleared of all the charges, and he wondered of Olivia was happy. Because he knew he wasn't. But how could he fix things?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bahahahahahahha (evil laugh because of unresolved ending of chapter.) I know I left Barba's and Olivia's relationship unresolved, hopefully I can update this soon and end the suffering :)
> 
> And past 10,000 words! Wow. Just wanted to thank everyone who read, commented, or left kudos, it makes me want to write this even more! So thank you thank you thank you!!
> 
> WARNING: SPOILERS FOR 19x1 AHEAD.  
> And could we all just take a moment and ask why Cassidy came back? And why he had to come back to investigate Liv for child abuse? Like whyyyyy...


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this ahead of time, but it doesn't really matter. Added some Nick and Olivia friendship, will see if I can work Rollaro into this (like hints) And it might be some time before I upload again, but I will try when i get some downtime.

Olivia was honestly going crazy. Rafael hadn't contacted her since their epic fallout, and she hadn't really made any efforts to do so either. It was like every single time a romantic interest came into her life, they had to be yanked away somehow. Like whoever was up there had decided that she wasn't allowed to have a content romantic relationship with anyone.  _First Brian, then Alex, then Rafael.._ It was disheartening, to say the least. But the detective knew she couldn't stop trying, at least with Rafael. The feelings she had whenever she saw him were something she hadn't felt in a very long time, not since Alex. She was suddenly snapped out of her daze by the sound of her phone ringing. She checked the caller ID, feeling a little unsettled when it read "unknown."

"Hello, this is Olivia Benson. Who is this?" 

"Um.. hi. My name is Avery Jordan.. could I meet you somewhere in private? I have a crime to report." A voice flowed through the phone, and Olivia was instantly intrigued.  _Avery Jordan.. Where have I heard that name from?_ It suddenly hit her. She was a news reporter on TV.

"Sure. Time and place?"

\---

Olivia was this close. This close to having Avery disclose to her. And then the fans had came up to the news reporter, and it was like Avery transformed. From someone who seemed actually human, to someone who wore a mask covering up anything and everything. The detective gave the news reporter her card, knowing full well that Avery might not even contact her again.

\---

"I know this is hard to watch, but there was a camera in your hotel room." Barba played the explicit video clip for Avery, pausing it as it showed Jason unbuttoning her shirt. "It goes on from here." Both Rollins and Olivia were here as well, trying to convince Avery to file charges.  _Olivia._ He hadn't even made contact with her since their argument, and he wasn't exactly happy because of it. And now, they were face to face, but not talking to each other. Barely even making eye contact, actually. 

"Stop it, please." Avery said, looking a little overwhelmed. "Rick sent this to Jason? Why? What does he want?"

"Well, so far, he hasn't asked Jason for money. Jason got this video anonymously two weeks ago." Olivia responded, trying to lay things out for the TV personality. 

"That explains it. Jason called things off on the last road trip." Avery realized. 

"Okay, so Rick thinks he got what he wanted: To have you to himself." Rollins said, adding in her thoughts. 

"I don't want to press charges. I just want to destroy this tape."

"If we can tie this to Purcell, it's proof he's stalking you." Barba said. He could see that they needed to put this man away. For all of their sake's. 

"If? He's a cameraman. Who else would do something like this?"

"So he did have access to your hotel room?" Rollins asked. 

"Yeah. He would bring coffees upstairs, he would put my bags in the room. Oh, my God. He probably has copies."

Barba thought for a moment on how to convince Avery to file charges. "If you'll agree to press charges, we can get a warrant for his computer, his home, his office."

"Avery, guys like Rick, they don't stop, until you stop them." Olivia said, continuing. 

"I get it. No more surprises." Avery said, sounding a little more confident. 

"All right. I've got enough to issue a warrant. Ms. Jordan, after we pick him up, even though, in theory, rape shield will protect you, this is gonna hit the press." Barba said. Hopefully this wouldn't get her to back out. 

"No."

"The network has a PR team. Tell them to figure out how to spin this." Barba finished. He watched as the three woman all got up and got ready to leave, Olivia included. The detective gave him one final look, as she exited after Rollins and Avery, leaving the ADA alone in his office. 

\---

And now Avery was pregnant. And keeping the baby. It wasn't doing the case any favors, and Barba was honestly worried. The trial was in a couple of days, and he hadn't heard from Olivia at all. Not to update him on how Avery was doing, or to talk to him about.. whatever was going on right now. Their relationship. _Or the lack of one._ He knew eventually he had to see her again, and they would actually have to talk. But it certainly didn't seem like it was happening anytime soon.

\---

"Liv." Amaro said, grabbing onto her arm.

"What?" She responded. The detective was about to go home, but it seemed like that wasn't happening anytime soon.

"You okay?" He asked, sounding concerned. 

"Yeah I guess. Why?"

"You just seemed a little... distant lately. Is everything alright? Anything you need to talk about?" 

"Nick.. It's nothing." Olivia said. She didn't even believe herself.

"Let me guess.. Relationship problems? I know with Cassidy-"

"Cassidy was never a thing. It's Rafa- I mean Barba, actually."  _Wait, I said that? Crap._

"Barba?" The male detective exclaimed. He couldn't believe that his partner was dating their ADA. Or not dating. Or whatever. 

"Yeah. We just started out, everything was going great, then he found about me and Brian. And how we slept together fourteen years ago. Once." Olivia didn't know why she was pouring her guts out to Amaro, but she was on a roll now. "And he got mad at me for defending him. But I treated Brian like crap, you know? And I knew I had to clear him. To pay him back for how I acted. But Rafael and I.. we aren't talking because of it. I have no idea what's going on, actually."

 _Wow._ Amaro had no idea that Olivia's personal life was this complicated, although his relationship was a close competitor. Maria hadn't called in a while, after their last phone call had ended in a huge argument about Zara. _Oh who am I kidding. My marriage is over because of Amanda. Because of my feelings for her._ He knew that his personal life couldn't be salvaged, but he could try to help out Olivia's. 

"Liv. You need to talk to him. Hash this out, okay? Don't have this end up like me and Maria."

Olivia considered this advice for a short moment, even though it came from a man whose wife and child were in DC, citing "a break." And she had seen him eye Amanda more than once, and it seemed like the feeling was mutual. "Nick.. thanks. I'll go talk to him now, actually." She walked out of the precinct, until Amaro stopped her. Again.

"Liv- good luck."

\---

Barba was prepping for the trial that was the day after the next. "You will hear Rick Prucell claim that the sex was consensual. But it wasn't." _That sounds stupid.._ he thought, pacing around his office, trying to finalize his opening statement. The ADA suddenly heard a slight knock on his open door, and was surprised to see Olivia standing there. Green eyes met brown, and they both knew that they were going to talk this out. Now. 

"Hi Rafael." The detective said, breaking the silence between them. 

"Hey Liv." He responded, hoping his voice didn't give him away.

"Look, what I said earlier.. I don't regret my actions toward Cassidy. But I regret losing whatever we had because of it." Olivia started, taking a step toward Rafael.

"I do too. And I know I don't say this a lot, but I'm sorry. Truly." Both knew that he was telling the truth, as he grabbed both of her hands. Their lips met slowly, softly, both communicating their love for each other through their kiss. They only pulled apart for air, still touching foreheads.

"Liv.."

All words were forgotten as lips were captured again.

\---

"How are you feeling?" Barba asked, as he and Olivia helped Avery up the court steps, ignoring the flashes of cameras behind them. The trial started today, and he had spent the whole day yesterday preparing for it. He couldn't lose this case. Not after seeing how affected Olivia was by it.

_"Rafael.. Win this case, alright?" Olivia said, sitting in his office. She had swung by for a lunch of chinese takeout, both their moods drastically improving after they made up. "Avery being pregnant.."_

_She didn't need to say anything more, as Rafael knew how close this hit to home. "I'll do my best. Especially with this case."_

"A little nervous. I didn't think I'd be showing this much by the time we got to trial." Avery replied, snapping Barba back onto the courthouse steps. 

"Don't try to hide it. They'll really lose the jury if they come after you." He replied, as they walked into the courthouse.

\---

"What's going on?" Avery asked Barba and Olivia, after the ADA left the judge's chambers. 

"Purcell wants a change of counsel." Olivia replied, hoping that this wouldn't push Avery over the edge. 

"That son of a bitch is just trying to drag this out."

"Avery, the judge agreed to let him represent himself." Barba continued. He saw a look of disbelief and then anger flash over Olivia's face as she heard the news.  _I can't believe it either, Liv. And I can't do anything about it._

"What?" Avery said in disbelief. You could hear how vulnerable she sounded, and Barba hated how he couldn't do anything about it. 

"Starting tomorrow." The ADA finished. 

"Legally, he has that right." Olivia said, attempting to reassure Avery.  _But fuck the law._

"So he can question me? Ask me anything he wants?" 

"Not anything. And I will be there making objections."

"No. First he rapes me, and now he gets to interrogate me... in front of everybody. He can't do this, can he? He can't." 

 _But he will, Avery. And I can't do anything about it._ Barba thought.

\---

"Men, they're all rapists, right?" Prucell said, cross examining Olivia. He had recalled her to the stand, and Barba had no idea what he was going to do. And he hated that.

"Objection, argumentative and ridiculous." The ADA said, springing up from his seat.

"Sustained."

"Do you hate men?" Prucell said, continuing. It was obvious that he was becoming extremely agitated with Olivia, at least to Barba. And hopefully the jury.

"Objection." Barba cried out once again.

"When was the last time you were in a relationship?"  _Oh fuck no._

"Objection!" Barba screamed, leaping up from his seat. _What. The. Hell._ What was Prucell doing? Did he want the jury to hate him?

"Sustained." The judge said, glaring at Prucell.

"Detective... How often have you seen an actual rape victim become pregnant and decide to keep the baby?" The defendant asked Olivia. Barba saw the look of hurt flash across the detective's face.

"It happens." Olivia said calmly. _And you don't know half of it, Prucell._ She didn't think it was possible to hate a man more than she already did, but that question definitely elevated things. 

\---

After court, Olivia walked out, looking for Rafael. The question Prucell had asked about rape victim pregnancies had affected her more than she cared to admit, and she knew she had to vent to someone about it. Preferably someone who knew that she was a product of rape.  _I got to tell Nick soon though,_ she thought, finally spotting the familiar ADA walking in toward the elevator. 

"Rafael." Olivia said, grabbing onto his forearm.

"Oh- Liv. I know Prucell-"

"Continue in your office?" She asked, communicating her need of privacy through their stare. Barba nodded, leading her to the elevator.

\---

"So.. Liv.." The ADA said, closing the office door. "I know Prucell asked-"

"Yeah. And don't apologize for that, by the way. You couldn't have done anything about it. It's just that.."

"It affected you more than you cared for it to?" Rafael finished for her. Now that they were alone, he could truly see how this affected her. And how Prucell had wormed his way into one of her biggest walls.

Olivia nodded, and Rafael sat down on the couch with her. "How could someone.. have no respect for what Avery is going through? Be so cruel?" Olivia asked, looking into Rafael's green eyes. 

"I don't know. But isn't that why you do this? To get justice for people like Avery?" Rafael asked, holding her two hands. 

"Maybe. Part of me hopes to get closure for my mom from this type of work.. but then there are some days where it seems hopeless."

"Olivia." The detective glanced up, tears in her eyes. "Stop. You have changed so many lives, helped so many people.. even in the short time I have been here you have showed that anyone can make a difference."

Olivia only nodded, looking down again, trying to hide the fact that she was crying. No words were exchanged, as they held on to each other, trying to stay afloat in a sea of darkness.  

\---

"On the charge of rape, first degree, how do you find?" The judge asked. It had been two days, and the jury was finally back. The whole courtroom was silent as they waited to hear the verdict. 

"Not guilty, Your Honor." _What?_ Barba thought, looking at Olivia. He saw Avery completely broke down after hearing those two words, sobbing into Olivia's arms. And there wasn't anything he could do about it. _I'm sorry._  

"On the charge of stalking?"

"Guilty, Your Honor."

_I'm sorry, Olivia. I'm so sorry._

_\---_

Olivia wasn't going to admit to Cragen that she hadn't really done anything drastic to keep Avery from leaving. It wasn't like she didn't have respect for the law, she did, but this was one of those times where she would just look the other way. 

"Liv?" Rafael asked, sitting on her couch with her. They were catching up on some paperwork in Olivia's apartment, each enjoying each other's company.

"Hmm?" Olivia said, still thinking.

"What are you thinking about?" 

"Oh-" She finally snapped out of it, looking at Rafael. "Just.. Avery. And my mom. And how I hope she won't end up like her."

"Rough childhood?" He asked, looking into her eyes.

"You don't even know the half of it." Olivia said, sounding sarcastic. 

Rafael didn't know why he was about to say this, but no stopping now. "My dad beat up and my mom and I on a weekly basis." 

Olivia was stunned. She didn't know this about him, and from the looks of it, not a whole lot of other people knew either. 

"I.. I'm sorry." The detective finally blurted out.

"Don't apologize. It's not your fault." Rafael said, looking into her eyes. "Just.. facts of life." 

It was silent for another moment, as Olivia still tried to comprehend what Rafael had just revealed. 

The ADA knew he had to say something, anything, to break the silence.

"So.. how are those DD5's going?" 

\---

Halfway across town, Amanda was stunned. She had no idea that Olivia was a product of a rape, or why she hadn't known until now. And the fact that Nick had told her was even more stunning. In the beginning, she had seen him as a impulsive guy, but also someone to be friendly with. They were both newbies, after all. And then she had found herself falling. Hard. For him. Even though he still had a wedding band on his finger, although she had seen him without it lately. 

 _Pull it together._ Her dating life was something she wasn't proud of, with only the occasional one night stand. She sighed, sitting in her empty apartment, hoping that Olivia was having better luck than her in terms of relationships. She deserved it, after all. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was nuts..


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the extremely long upload gap, I have been this week/last weekend. Tough case for Rollins. There will be a lot of her emotions/thoughts, although this will be split evenly between Olivia's and Rafael's relationship and Amanda's thoughts. Maybe Amaro comes and comforts her, so there will probably be more Rollaro. And Lewis is soon. Very soon.

Olivia was glad to be getting off work early, especially since it was to meet Rafael. She had many vacation hours stocked up from the fact that she worked way too much too often, and Cragen was glad that she was finally using some of them.

"You look nice." Amanda said, coming up to her while the older detective packed up her bag. 

"Aw, thanks." Olivia replied. 

"Friday night date with Cassidy?" The blonde asked.  _Oh crap._ Olivia's mind thought, as she realized that only Amaro knew. She quickly tried to come up with a response, hoping to sound casual. 

"Uh, yeah, sort of. We're taking his mom out to an early bird dinner. He'll make it up to me later." The detective quickly blurted out.  _And you couldn't sound any more smooth._

"His mom? You two getting serious?" Amanda asked. 

"Well, I wouldn't say we're picking out china patterns, but you know, it's a nice fit."  _Far from it, actually. I think Brian hates me._

"Good for you."

"Thanks. You up to anything?" Olivia asked. The blonde had never really talked about her dating life, and Olivia knew from experience that good dates were few and far between, especially when your job was a sex crimes detective. 

"Um, no. Actually, tonight I'll be at home picking out china patterns." Amanda responded, trying not to sound too depressed at the thought of another night alone, trying to keep Nick from her mind. They both stepped into the elevator, as the younger detective continued. "I'm still refurnishing my cleaned-out apartment. Besides, my neighborhood Friday night, bunch of college kids getting drunk." 

"Oh." _Sounds like a recipe for disaster._  "Have fun, I guess." Olivia said.

"Yeah. That's not happening. Bye Liv. Have fun tonight." Amanda said, stepping off the elevator, walking towards a night alone in her empty apartment.

\---

Olivia woke up the next day on the couch, head lying on Rafael's lap, to the sound of her phone ringing. They had both fallen asleep doing paperwork, after getting some mexican from a restaurant Rafael had recommended they try. She answered the phone, mood slowly growing worse by the second, as Rollins' voice described a gang-raped that had taken place at a frat house. And to make matters worse, it was 4:30 am. She heard the ADA stir, and placed a kiss on his forehead, covering a blanket over him. 

She left the apartment 15 minutes later, after freshening up and writing a quick note for Rafael, heading towards the hospital. 

\---

Amanda wasn't doing much better, already at the hospital. She hadn't wanted to call Olivia, as she knew that the brunette was probably curled up in Cassidy's arms, but once Lindsay had described multiple attackers, the blonde knew she didn't have a choice. She wasn't annoyed at the early timing; it wasn't like she was sleeping much anyways. Being alone did that to her.

\---

"So she says once she gets her trophy pic, he puts the moves on her, gets aggressive. And then two other brothers come in out of nowhere, and she's pretty sure on the ID. It's Wesley Grimes and Carter Pressman." Rollins said, debriefing Cragen. 

"Pretty sure? Just how drunk was she?" The Captain asked. 

"Very. And the rape kit's a mess. The nurse let her shower before we got there." Fin chimed in. 

"Where was campus security?" 

"Doing their best to make this go away."

"We've seen this before. School circles the wagons, the frat boys laugh it off. No more. Go after 'em hard."

Both Amanda and Olivia looked grateful at the Captain's statement, as everyone got ready to work this case until they could get justice. 

\---

"Congratulations, you just found another case that completely undercuts itself. She was raped by the fraternity. Why does she organize mixers for them?" Barba said, sounding a little frustrated. And he did feel frustrated, at least at the fact that he couldn't win this case, at least not with with the evidence they had. 

"She's not the only victim. We have statements from three other girls in her sorority, and six others reporting sexual assault at Tau Omega." Olivia said. She knew that Barba was just trying to figure out what he could do with the case, but his tone was getting on her nerves. And she hadn't had a chance to apologize to him yet for leaving him this morning. 

"All of them drunken he said, she saids?" Barba asked. Rollins nodded, and his mood only got worse. 

"Any repeat offenders?" Cragen asked.

"Yeah, Travis Holmes. He's a serial. And Wesley and Carter were each implicated in three other cases. Plus, there's been some boys that have already graduated." Rollins replied.

"Let me ask you this-- anyone's name only come up once?" Barba asked the group of detectives. 

"Alyson says she was assaulted three years ago by Travis and Joe Dawson." Amaro chimed in, adding in his thoughts. 

"Joe Dawson was the good samaritan that saved Lindsay on the roof. You think he'd turn on his fraternity brothers?" Fin said. 

"Most of these rapists are sociopaths. Some of these guys, they go along with it one time, then they realize they made a mistake." Barba replied, a lightbulb turning on inside of his head. Joe, or whatever his name was, might be their way in. 

"They have a guilty conscience." Cragen said, adding onto Barba's thoughts. 

"Or they're scared of the legal system." Olivia said. Rapists didn't have a guilty conscience. At least all of the rapists she had encountered didn't. 

"Either way, work this guy." Barba said.

Everyone filed out of the room, with only Olivia staying behind with Barba.

"Rafael-" She started, only to be cut off by the ADA.

"I know. You're sorry. Don't worry about it. Just let me take you out to dinner tonight."

Olivia only nodded, quickly giving him a kiss, then walked out the door, hoping to find someone who could help them nail Travis. 

\---

Outside, Nick had pulled Amanda aside, noticing how the blonde had been abnormally quiet in Barba's office. He wasn't going to deny that he wasn't worried about her, probably actually caring for her more then what was healthy for a working relationship. "You okay Amanda?" He asked, not masking the concern in his voice.

"Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. This case- it's rough." The blonde answered, looking into his stormy eyes. At least now she knew that he cared for her, although she had suspected that couple of months ago.

"Yeah. We'll eventually nail all of them, alright?" Nick said, hoping to reassure her.

The younger detective nodded, switching the topic. "Hey Nick? You notice anything between Olivia and Barba lately?" It had been bugging her for some time, and the way they had acted today in Barba's office had only further confirmed her suspicions. And Olivia had stayed in his office after all of them had left.

"Oh. Um- they're dating." Nick replied. He couldn't lie, at least not to her. 

"What? I thought Cassidy-"

"She probably didn't want you to know. And she broke things off with Cassidy a long time ago. Don't tell anyone, alright?" Nick said, looking into her eyes.

"Of course." _And it's not like I have anyone to say anything to anyways._

\---

"Campus security coached this Joe on how to derail a rape victim?" Barba asked in disbelief, listening to Rollins debrief him. 

"Yeah, because they're keeping rape stats down. It's just like cooking the books for CompStat." Rollins said. She couldn't believe it either. 

"Blaming victims, shaming 'em-- it's university policy."

"It's all about control. I mean, they do their own investigations. If the school decides that no crime has been committed, it's dropped-- no press, no police." Olivia chimed in. It was appalling that schools could do this, and she was about to open her mouth to say something more when Barba chimed in before her, saying exactly what she was thinking. 

"We need to go after the school."

"And charge 'em with what?" Fin asked, dubious. 

"That's the great part about being a DA. I don't have to decide that right now. I can convene a grand jury."

"You think they'll come in, waive immunity, and testify?" Amaro asked. 

"They have to. They don't want word to leak out that they're not cooperating. And you know my office, it leaks like a church roof." Barba said, sounding confident.

\---

"I've decided it never happened. I've let it go." Lindsay said. The detective's mind suddenly went into overdrive, flashing back to the past. 

_"Nothing happened. Everything I said wasn't true, okay Emma?"_

"Sweetheart, that's-- that's not gonna work. Okay, have you talked to someone? A therapist--" Amanda was on autopilot now, her mind swimming. 

_"Amanda, that isn't going to work. Pretending it didn't happen. Talk to someone, okay? You and Patton-"_

"Why? I'm all better now. Okay?"

_"Nothing happened with Patton! I made it all up. I'm all better now. No need for anything to happen."_

"Okay. Um, if you need anything, you call--"

_"Amanda, don't do this-"_

"I should go. Good-bye, Detective Rollins."

_"You need to let this go, Emma. Good-bye."_

_She left her friend sitting at the cafe, walking out over to a casino across the street. The young detective knew that she shouldn't be gambling right now, but she didn't know where else to go. There was a reason she had chosen this cafe for them to meet._

\---

"The dean didn't give up the boys. Instead, she claims that they reported every complaint they ever received." Rafael said, paying for his burrito. He was having lunch with Olivia, currently debriefing her on how the grand jury had went. 

"So she lied on the stand." Olivia said, in slight disbelief. 

"Yeah. Now I just have to prove it. Her head of security is a good soldier, but that counselor, she was wavering." Barba said, being cut off by Olivia's cell phone. He continued, hoping that phone call was good news. "She's feeling guilty."

"Maybe you're right. It's Talia." Olivia said, answering the call. "Benson." Her demeanor instantly changed, as she listened to the school counselor describe what had happened. "I've-"

"Go."

-[THIS SCENE HAS TRIGGERS FOR SELF HARM]--

"Oh, my God. Lindsay? What happened?" Amanda asked, running towards the scene. She had gone back to the precinct to get some mind-numbing paperwork done, hoping to forget the conversation she had had with Lindsay. And how much Lindsay had reminded her of her younger self. 

"She jumped. From the roof." Olivia said, turning to the younger detective with tears in her eyes. 

"She was standing on the edge. Some students saw her, tried to talk her down, but by the time security got there--" The school counselor continued, trying to avoid Amanda's gaze. 

"They were too late." Amaro cut in, noticing how shaken up Amanda seemed. He made a mental note to check up on her later at the precinct. The female detective had seemed off this entire case, and her behavior now was only making him more worried. About her. 

"I have to go call her mother." The counselor said, walking away. 

"I just talked to her yesterday." Amanda said, finally getting over the initial shock. 

Olivia could sense how deeply this had affected the blonde detective, seemingly more then usual. Although nothing on this job was usual. "This isn't your fault, Amanda. You did everything you could."

"Come on. No, no, she was pink clouding, and I knew it." The detective responded, feeling more guilty than ever.  _She died, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I couldn't help her. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop him. Stop. No. Patton-_

_"You know I don't take no for an answer, Amanda."_

_She picked up a piece of glass from the floor, those words still in her mind. Today had been one of the worst days since her assault, and going to the casino and smoking hadn't solved anything. The young detective was at a point where she couldn't do anything anymore, where she couldn't feel anything. And she longed to feel something, anything. And yet she couldn't bring herself to do this. She looked at the piece of glass, analyzing its every flaw, its broken state. The irony of this flooded her mind, and she let out a cruel chuckle, setting down the piece of glass._

_The young detective got two packs of cigarettes out, opting to go out onto the rooftop instead. She stood there, looking over the edge, wondering what it would be like. To be dead. And yet she didn't jump, backing away from the edge. She smoked until the sun came up, standing on her roof, not moving an inch. Not feeling anything at all._

\---

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Bennett." Amanda said. She had gone to the precinct after finding out Lindsay had died, resisting the urge to go out to a casino. The young detective had stood on top of her apartment roof all night again, feeling thankful that there was a thick wall around the rooftop, smoking more than she had in the last year. And then she had dragged herself over to Lindsay's memorial, knowing she at least owed the girl that. 

"Lindsay... She wouldn't talk about it. Told me to go home. I wanted to give her space." The older woman replied. 

"I talked to Lindsay the day before. You know, she was so... I should have known."

"No. It's the boys, the school... They killed my baby. I home-schooled her her whole life. I was always afraid to let her go. "

The two looked at each other, both thinking the exact same thing.  _And now she's gone._

\---

Amanda relaxed, settling back into her couch. Her method of relieving pain was alcohol today, as she didn't like to smoke inside. She was in the middle of her third beer when the young detective suddenly heard a knock at her door. Not bothering to check who it was, she opened the door, surprised to see Nick there.

"Nick. What are you doing here?"

The male detective eyed her up and down, noting her disheveled appearance and how she wobbled a little bit. And how she was holding a beer bottle. And how she was slurring her words. 

"Just- Can I come in?"

"Yeah sure. Sorry my place is messy."

He noticed the six-pack of beer on the floor, the packs of cigarettes lying around. Catching a slight glimpse of her bedroom, he noticed how the bed looked not slept in. At all.

"Amanda. How long has it been since you had slept?" Nick asked, turning and facing her.

"I dunno.. two days?" She shrugged it off, taking a swig of her beer.

"And how many packs of cigarettes have you smoked?"

"Five? Ten? I don't keep count. Look, why are you here?" Amanda asked, slurring her words a bit more. 

"Because I'm worried about you. You haven't been acting like yourself these days." The male detective said, not hiding the concern in his voice. 

"You're just faking it. Just to get in my pants. Because that's what all men want these days, right?" The blonde said, heavily slurring her words now, as she put her arms around his neck. There was an almost maniacal smile on her face, and Nick was starting to get extremely worried.

"Stop Amanda. That's not what I want." He knew he was lying, as he pulled her arms off him, but continued. "I care about you. Now we're going to get rid of all of your cigarettes and alcohol and you are going to go to sleep."

"Bossy now, aren't you? Hey! Give that back!" Amanda slurred, as he yanked her bottle away from her, pouring it down the drain.

"No. Just trying to help you." He gathered all of her cigarettes from the small apartment, checking every drawer, and dropped them into a trash bag. The detective dumped all of the alcohol into the sink, slipping the bottles into the bag too. He tied it, leaving it outside her apartment door. "Now, you are going to bed."

Amanda complied with a little humph, walking over to her bedroom and slipping into bed. The male detective stayed and cleaned up her apartment a little more, noticing how the dog bowl was empty, and how Frannie was asleep. He filled up the food bowl, determined to help in any way he could.

"Nick?" Amanda suddenly called out from her bedroom, sounding tired.

"What?"

"Thank you." She said, sounding sincere, before the sound of the her snores filled the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry there is like no Barson in this chapter. And how the end is so dark. Next chapter will hopefully contain more Barson (that will be my goal) and should be up in a couple of days. And sorry for the long upload gap, I'll try to make sure that doesn't happen again. I love updating this work as much as I like reading fanfic, so hopefully I'll get another one up in a couple of days
> 
> But thanks for reading, and for everyone who has left a comment or has given kudos to this work. Makes my day! Comments and kudos are love (hint hint hint wink)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I started this chapter a week ago, never found time to finish it. Anyways, the next chapter after this is Lewis. Just saying. Hopefully I will have that chapter up over the next couple of days, this chapter is like the honeymoon phase before everything hits the fan. And there will also be Rollaro, they are still dancing around the edges. It's almost like two different story lines, I have no idea how this will play out.

Amanda woke up the next morning feeling hungover and tired, although it was better than she had felt in days.  _At least I'm feeling something,_ her mind said, as she got ready for work. She wasn't surprised to see Nick gone, and made him a mental note to thank him later at work. The detective was suddenly was suddenly struck with a feeling of loneliness as she realized that there was truly no one there to care for her, other than Nick, and he was still married.  _Hopefully Olivia's having better luck than me._

\---

Olivia woke up in Rafael's arms, enjoying the sense of calm in the morning, when nothing in her life was hectic. She looked over at her asleep boyfriend, enjoying his muscular frame. They had never taken the next step though, with each person being too tired to do anything other than make out after coming back from work. They had agreed though, to take it slow, with promises that neither of them were going anywhere. And that they would have all of the time in the world, together.

The ADA suddenly stirred, with one eye fluttering open, and he turned to face Olivia.

"Hey.." He mumbled, slowly cracking open both his eyes.

"Good morning." The detective replied, chuckling a little.

"Why are you laughing?" The ADA asked, almost fully awake. 

"Just- You look cute."

"Cute? Handsome? Yes. Hot? Maybe. Cute? Liv, I don't do cute. You know that." Rafael said, with mock hurt.

"Yes you do. Your bedhead is adorable." The detective ruffled her hair, enjoying this moment. The two laid in silence for the next couple of moments, taking in each other's presence. Olivia was the first to move, slowly climbing out of bed.

"I got to get to work, and so do you Rafael."

The day was slow, as Amanda and Fin were catching, so Olivia got to catch up on some paperwork for the day. Her phone suddenly pinged, showing a text from Rafael, reading "Lunch? I'll come over with takeout." 

The detective smiled, replying "Great, see you soon," her day suddenly looking brighter.

\---

It wasn't until after lunch that Amanda had found the time to talk with Amaro, and she asked to grab lunch with the male detective. They went to a sandwich shop down the street, and settled down in an awkward silence, neither sure on how to breach the topic both knew they had to talk about.

"Thank you." Amanda said, breaking the silence first. "I was in an, um, bad place last night. And you pulled me out of it, I guess."

Nick was glad that the blonde had talked first, although there was something still heavily nagging him. "No problem. You want to talk about what caused you to get there last night? Because I sensed-"

"Stop. I'm not talking about it, alright? Nothing really happened anyway." Amanda said, immediately shutting him down. 

"You sure? Just like Lindsay didn't want to talk about it? My gut-"

"Your gut needs to shut up. I'm not talking about it. And don't you dare bring Lindsay into this, she had nothing to do with it." Amanda fired back, sounding extremely angry and annoyed. "Look, I got to get going anyway. I told Fin I'd meet him at the precinct after lunch. We have some witnesses to hunt down." And with that, the blonde left, leaving a very confused and worried male detective behind.

\---

Olivia sighed, feeling dejected. She had been woken up at one in the morning, called to the scene of a brutal sexual assault where multiple people were involved. The victim was unconscious, being sent to Mercy, and there were six perps that they had to deal with. And now there might be a seventh perp, and the fact that it was only 11:00 in the morning wasn't helping her blood pressure. Rafael was going to come over in an hour though, and the thought of him suddenly made her day a bit better. Even if they disagreed on things a lot, and she constantly felt annoyed with him, their arguments were like foreplay in a way. For what was hopefully going to come. The detective wasn't going to deny that she insecurities when it came to sex, with her experience at Sealview still haunting her.  _And I haven't gotten laid in a long time._    

\---

"A New Canaan high school student still unconscious from a mob assault. Bloomberg's splenetic." Barba said, sounding a little frustrated. And Olivia didn't blame him. This case was horrible, because everyone knew something bad happened to Gabby, but no one could figure out who or when.  

"I've been fielding calls all night from 1PP. They want charges now." Munch said, matching Barba's tone in annoyance. 

"That's why I'm here." Barba said, thinking,  _And for other reasons,_ while looking at Olivia's eyes. And body. And her. 

"Eyewitnesses and cell phone video confirm that Gabby was just swept away. I mean, things escalated, turned violent within a matter of seconds." Olivia said, noticing Barba's intense stare. And returning it. 

"It's mob mentality. They're way more aggressive together than they would be alone." Amanda said, looking at how Olivia and Barba were staring at each other. _Get a room, you two._  

"These six arrested at the scene?" Barba asked, snapping his attention back to the corkboard with mug shots. Fin nodded, giving him confirmation.

"Gabby's friends IDed them as pulling her into the crowd." Amaro said. 

"Yeah, but they all insist that it was the crowd surge that pushed them into the victim. They're not the ones that actually attacked her." Rollins replied. 

"Can you charge these mooks with anything?" Munch asked, turning to Barba for an answer. 

"I'd like a little stronger evidence. Well, the video's useless. Unless you guys see something I don't." The ADA replied, playing the video. It mostly showed a bunch of light and a lot of movement, and didn't help in terms of clearing things up. 

"Arms, legs, groping. No faces." Fin said, adding in what he saw. 

"And what about DNA?" Amaro asked. 

"Her body is covered with samples. Bite marks, scratches." Olivia answered, looking at Barba to see if he could use this somehow. 

"Exactly. She's a veritable DNA cocktail. Months to separate out. And even then it only proves proximity, not intent." The ADA replied, confirming Olivia's suspicions. 

"Okay, so we just let half a dozen boys get away with a brutal sexual assault." Olivia said, firing back at Barba. 

"Every one of these suspects is gonna blame the other guy. The jury's not gonna know how to parse it." 

Olivia's phone chimed, and she looked at the news on the screen. "Oh, here's our first piece of good news-- Gabby's awake. We'll show her a photo array. Include every single person that was in that club last night."

"Get me something, 'cause right now all we have is a mob scene." Barba said, getting ready to go back to his office.  

\---

"Does it ever get better? Every time I close my eyes, I'm back in that mob. Those guys all over me. The music, the lights flashing, I can't get away." Gabby asked Olivia, and the detective could see the hurt in her eyes. The pain that was all too common. 

The brunette thought for a moment, knowing full well that the pain never truly went away. "Gabby, you've already made it through hell. There are people who can help you. And you-- you're gonna be okay."

"I want to go home. Be with my friends. Have things back the way they were." The teen responded, looking into Olivia's eyes. And that was when the detective truly knew Gabby was going to be okay.

\---

"Look, he did three tours in lraq and Afghanistan--" Nick started, only to be cut off by Amanda. She had been frosty towards him since yesterday, when they had gotten lunch, and now they were in a full out quarrel.  

"You know what? I appreciate that, okay? But that has nothing to do with his crime." Amanda said. She couldn't believe that Nick was defending this guy. And that he wouldn't drop it this subject. Just like he wouldn't drop attempting to find out about her assault.  

"If he committed a crime." Nick replied. 

"Oh, come on, Nick. You were in there. He confessed." Amanda replied, sounding frustrated. How could he not know that this was clean cut? That the man did the deed?

"No, you gave him Gabby's account. He parroted it back. "I don't remember, but if that's what she said--"" Nick said, only to be cut off again. 

"No, no, no, I did not coerce him. You know that. Gabby IDed him, he admitted that he was at fault." Rollins said, almost spitting at him. 

"And he's punishing himself. Doesn't mean he's guilty."

"Hold on. I want this thing rock-solid. Do you wanna go over it with him again?" Munch said, cutting into their hissing and spitting match. 

"He was there. I don't know what he did or what he saw. But my gut--we don't have his whole story." Nick said. Looking at Amanda, it was the wrong thing to say, although it seemed like he had been saying all the wrong things lately. 

"Oh, your gut. Good lord." Rollins said, glaring at the male detective.  _Not again. Your gut needs to shut up._

"Rollins, problem?" Munch asked, tone suggesting that she should probably drop it. 

"No, Sergeant." Amanda responded, glaring at the male detective again. 

\---

"All right, so these guys-- this gang of six-- they had nothing to do with setting it up. They were just opportunists. I know this is hard to follow, Counselor." Rollins said, pointing to the corkboard with the photos of nine different people, with six on one side and three on the other. 

'No, I get it. It's Benghazi." Barba responded, smirking a little. "You thought that Gabby'd been assaulted by a mob. It turns out the attack was orchestrated. The problem is--" 

"How to prove it, when Alec, Brit, and Jake are all in lockstep." Olivia said, finishing for the ADA. They smirked at each other, their actions going unnoticed by the other detectives in Barba's office. 

"These three. The cotillion crew. They didn't touch Gabby?" The ADA asked Olivia, motioning towards the three smiling faces. 

"No, but they set the whole thing in motion. They took her to the club. And this one picked out the tube top that Gabby wore." Olivia replied. 

"Even a New York grand jury won't indict for that." Barba said trailing off. Until an idea suddenly popped into his head. "Unless... One, two, three. We're looking at a conspiracy." 

"What? To harass? To top shark?" Rollins asked in disbelief. 

"You've separated these two groups out. I charge these six with aggravated sexual assault, they're looking at 20 years." Barba replied, looking at Olivia to agree with him. On something.

"I see where you're going. So you're saying that their assault was foreseeable by the New Canaan kids." The brunette said, clarifying the ADA's words a little. 

"Okay, yeah, but that seems like a stretch. I mean, what, her friends just wanted to embarrass her." Rollins said. She was still skeptical about charging these kids with something that could get them twenty years, even if they had done some pretty horrible things. 

"By exposing her breasts to a bunch of drunk, aggressive men at a club? It's as foreseeable as a murder at an armed robbery, and we charge that all the time." The ADA said, wondering a little why Nick was so quiet. And why Rollins was so standoffish today. 

"Hey, can we get them with Louis's statement?" Amaro finally asked, breaking his silence. 

"No. He's a coconspirator. I need independent corroboration. Besides, he's out of their league. These kids' lawyers--they'd discredit him before lunch." Barba said. He knew the type. The kids who were used to everything being handed to them, and their actions going unpunished.  _Not this time._

"Nick, did you ask Frank about Brit and Jake?" Olivia asked. 

"No, they weren't suspects. And Frank--the club attack triggered a flashback. His memory's fragmented." The flicker of anger in Rollins' eyes didn't go unnoticed by the male detective, at the mention of Frank's PTSD. And how he was still defending him.  

"You got him to remember Louis. Yeah. Go back. Take him through the night. Don't lead him, but see what else he can reconstruct." Barba said. Rollins and Amaro both left the room, with Amanda not even meeting the male detective's eye. Olivia stayed, hanging back to talk to Rafael. 

"Rafael?" 

"Yeah?"

"You notice anything weird going on between Amanda and Nick?" The brunette asked, thinking back to the two detectives' behavior.

"Yep. From what I've seen, Rollins is mad at Amaro, and they're also in love with each other." The ADA responded casually, until he noticed Olivia's surprised expression. "What? You didn't know?"

"I had my suspicions." He replied. "The 'accidental' touches, how Amaro gets protective of Rollins, it's kind of obvious, don't you think?" 

"A bit, I guess. You think we're obvious?" Olivia asked, interested to hear what the ADA was going to say.

"Yeah. We stare at each other way too often." The two only smirked at each other after his comment, until Olivia's phone pinged. The detective looked at her phone, groaning at what she saw. 

"I got to go back to the precinct. See you?" She asked, moving to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, when Rafael turned his head at the last moment, catching her lips with his. Olivia pulled back a couple of moments later, hoping that no one had saw them. "If you keep on doing this, I'm never going to get out of here."

"Maybe that's my intention." Rafael said, watching Olivia grin at him, then exit from his office. 

\---

They had found a video of the assault that actually showed what had happened, thanks to Frank and another flashback on the stand. It had implicated Alec, Brit, and Jake as co-conspirators in the crime, showing how Jake had given a thumbs up after Gabby had gotten top sharked. Finally, it seemed like Gabby was going to get justice. At least to Olivia. 

"Alec Peters, Jake Swenders, Brit Yardley, on the charge of conspiracy to commit aggravated sexual assault, how do you plead?" The judge asked the three standing teens. Olivia was sitting next to Gabby, hoping that the person sitting next to her could handle their responses, knowing how they had broken her trust.

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Guilty."

"Suspects will be remanded to Rikers pending sentencing." The judge said, banging her gavel. Gabby broke down, sobbing. "I thought they were my friends. I trusted them."

"Well, if it makes a difference, a man who doesn't even know you went through a lot of trouble to help you." Olivia replied, hoping that Gabby would recover from this betrayal. 

\--- 

"Hey, Nick. Nick, hold up." Amanda said, running to catch up to the male detective. "Hey, Frank came through. You were right about him from the get, and I owe you an apology." 

"No. No, you don't. The only reason I caught it-- Maria. In hindsight, when she came home from lraq, she was textbook PTSD, and I didn't see it. I took it personally." He said, continuing. "Think it cost me my marriage." Both knew that there was another reason that Nick's marriage was failing, but none of the two admitted it.

"Have you told her that?" Amanda asked, knowing that he probably hadn't. 

"Well, it's a little late. I don't think she wants to hear it." Nick replied, looking into the blonde's eyes. 

"Maybe the first step is stop beating yourself up." The female detective said, returning the stare.  _Because beating yourself up doesn't work. At all._

"Yeah." Nick replied, sensing the true meaning behind the words. That Amanda probably knew that lesson from experience. He accepted that Amanda probably wasn't going to talk about what had happened, or why she was in that state when he had found her.  _Best to leave that under covers. For now._  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might pull back a little bit on the Rollaro, what do you all think? I'm not going to take them out completely out though, comment with thoughts maybe? I dunno.
> 
> UPDATE: 20,000 words! Yay! I couldn't have done it without your support, so a huge thank you to everyone who has read, commented, left kudos, or bookmarked this fanfic. And I know we surpassed 1000 views a while ago, but I haven't had a chance to thank you guys either. So thank you thank you thank you so much for supporting this fic! And prepare yourselves for Lewis. It's going to be a two-chapter installment, hopefully coming out sometime soon.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ARAGHHHH LEWIS! I think this might be a three-chapter installment, mostly Barson (Rollaro is going to take a back seat for a bit, sorry Rollaro shippers, although there will be hints here and there)
> 
> And I'm really sorry about the irregular uploading times, life is pretty hectic right now. School and other stuff is taking up a lot of time, although I do try to upload this at least once a week! From now on, it will probably be a once-a-week update type of style, either on Friday or Saturday probably. Thanks for sticking by this fic though, lots of crazy stuff is about to happen..
> 
> And Cassidy/Olivia's (not) actual relationship is actually becoming more apparent in these Lewis episodes so from now on I'm just going to ignore it, and write it off as Cassidy still being in love with Olivia but she doesn't love him back.

Olivia was sitting in Rafael's apartment, the two working side by side on paperwork, eating shady chinese takeout and trying not to kiss each other. They had met up at the ADA's apartment after the last case, both wanting some company. The detective was looking forward to a day off tomorrow from work, and maybe recharge her batteries a bit. She was a little dismayed at the fact that Rafael still had to meeting, but she knew that she needed some time to herself. Her phone suddenly vibrated, and they both internally groaned as Olivia checked her phone.

"It's not work-" Olivia started, only to be cut off.

"Good. Could you power your phone off then? I know you have a day off tomorrow, why don't you start it a little earlier?" The ADA asked, leaning in to whisper in her ear. "With me."

The intensity in his tone spiked Olivia's arousal, but she knew the ADA would be upset, and probably turned off, by who actually texted her. "Rafael, it's Brian." 

"That jerk? Why haven't you blocked him yet?" He asked, sounding a little annoyed. And frustrated.

"Rafael, you know why. And he texted me to ask if I could meet him tomorrow, and I'm going to say yes. Before you object," the attorney's mouth closed after Olivia's glare, "We aren't having this conversation again."

"Fine. I can't say I support your decision, or understand your reasons to attempt to connect with him, but I'll tolerate it." Rafael replied. They went back to working silently, the romantic mood effectively broken by Cassidy's text message. 

\---

"Hey, Bri, there's an exhibit of the plein air painters at the Whitney. What do you say we head uptown and grab some brunch? Sound good?" Olivia asked, lounging on Cassidy's couch. She had came earlier in the morning, wanting to at least have the afternoon to herself. And the female detective really didn't want to spend the entire morning in the park, with him. 

"A museum? Talking to me?" Brian retorted, walking out of the bathroom with only a bathrobe on. Olivia purposely tried not to look, but couldn't help taking a quick glace at him.  

"I'll take that as a no. So another Sunday watching roller bladers in the park. I thought we might change it up." 

"We will. Next Sunday."

 _If there is a next Sunday. I'm only here because of my guilty conscience. And it's getting more and more reluctant as we talk,_ Olivia thought, not exactly looking forward to the rest of the morning. 

\---

"So Rollins does know that it's the weekend, right?" Olivia asked, walking into the precinct with Nick.

"Now, what did you do, tie Cassidy to a "no parking" sign? He can come in." Nick asked, purposely joking about her "relationship" with the male detective.  

"Uh, yeah, I think that he's happy. I left him at a sports bar watching the Mets game." Olivia replied, not wanting him to know that he was actually right. About her hanging out with Cassidy, of course. 

\---

"This guy's a piece of work." Olivia commented, walking out with Nick. They had been questioning Lewis, or whatever his name was, and both detectives were frustrated, to say the least.  

"Good call, Amanda." Amaro added on.

"Thanks."

Barba suddenly walked into the precinct, and Olivia internally chuckled at his ridiculous attire. "Where's the fire, Rollins?" He asked, knowing that everyone was staring at his yellow raincoat and red polo.  

"Where were you, on your yacht?" Olivia asked teasingly. She knew he was going to a meeting, but one on a yacht?  _Just another reminder of how slow our relationship is going._

"Not my yacht. What are we looking at?"

"William Lewis, unemployed drifter. We have three witnesses who saw him expose himself in Central Park." Cragen answered.

"Really? And you called me in here for a class "B" misdemeanor because you wanted to use up all your favors in one fell swoop?" Barba asked, sounding annoyed. Even though he was internally relieved that he had been called away from the DA's yacht, as it had been an insufferably boring event, and he had only gone to boost his reputation with the higher-uppers at the DA's office.  

"It's not like that, okay? This guy is hard-core." Rollins replied, attempting to explain her reason for calling Barba off of "not his yacht." 

"How bad is his record?" The ADA asked. 

"We don't know. We can't run his prints because his fingers are burned, and if you ask me, he did it deliberately."

"And if you ask him, what's his story?"

"Everything happens  _to_ him. His fingers were burned in a kitchen accident. He wasn't flashing, he was chafed." Olivia replied. She had a bad feeling about this guy, she just didn't know how to convince Rafael that he should too. 

"Yeah, and we've got two victims, two teenaged tourists." Rollins added. 

"And we know he wasn't just chafed." Barba stated, a feeling of nausea in his stomach growing after taking looking at Lewis.  

"Look, we have an elegant witness who heard him verbally attack the girls. I had her write down everything he said." Cragan said, handing a notepad over to the lawyer. 

"Get down on your knees... Open your mouth and take communion." Barba read, looking at the words on the pad. "I suppose he thinks that's spiritual."

"It's probative of lewdness." Rollins commented. 

"Even so, we get him in front of a judge, he'll get time served." The ADA replied, hoping that he himself was right. 

"Fine. I just want him to take the plea so we can get his DNA. He's hiding something. I want to know what." 

\---

"Defendant is released on his own recognizance. Case to be set over for trial." The judge declared, striking his gavel on the stand. The arraignment had gone badly, to say the least, and both Olivia and Barba couldn't fathom why Lewis had refused to take the deal. And that fact that Lewis was probably now sleeping with his lawyer made it even worse. The two stared intently into each other's eyes, both communicating their frustration and anger at Lewis, his lawyer, the judge, at life in general. Amanda rolled her eyes at the gazes that were being exchanged, although secretly hoping that she could share a look like that with someone eventually in her life.  

"Bailiff, next case." The judge announced, effectively breaking the sexual tension in the room. 

"He won't take time served. He doesn't want us to find out who he is, get his DNA into CODIS." Olivia stated, sounding frustrated. And no one could blame her.

"Or maybe he's just innocent." Barba replied, knowing that his comment would probably annoy Olivia even more but still saying it.

"Look, we have three reliable witnesses." Olivia countered, trying to reason with him. When Barba was like this, it annoyed her to her wits' end, but she knew it was part of his job. And she enjoyed arguing with him. 

"Two of whom are tourists. His attorney may be legal aid, but she's smart. She knows that if they leave the country, the judge will throw the case out."

"We have Alice Parker and her photo."

"She came on the scene after the fact, the photo is not definitive. Look, this case was a dog from the start. It just got fleas. You think he's dirty? Keep digging." Barba responded, and Olivia knew he was right. She just needed to find a way to get this psychopath incarcerated.  

\---

"So, the bodega owner, he ID'd Lewis. He hates him. Says he comes in there and tries to steal his five krazys, but he hasn't seen him since Sunday." Rollins stated, walking out of the bodega and sitting in the car with Fin.

"Okay, captain said this guy did a real number on this woman, so he wants us to stay here if it takes all night." Fin said, knowing that it would probably be a long night. 

"All right. I got no problem with that." Rollins responded, getting a weird look from Fin.

"What's up with you? How's your shoulder?"

"Eh, it gets worse at night, but I'll be fine."  _Except for the fact that I'm hopelessly single, trying not to kill myself with painkillers, cigarettes, or alcohol, and in love with a man who's married._

\---

"You should have held the lawyer off. I was so close." Olivia declared, storming out of the interrogation room, with Nick close behind. Lewis had confessed, but had stated everything as a hypothetical, making it not a confession according to the eyes of the law. The detectives knew that Lewis was guilty, but it was frustrating to not be able to send him to prison, where he truly belonged. 

"He was playing you." Barba retorted, although he knew Lewis was guilty as well. The sinking feeling in his stomach had only increased after watching Olivia interrogate Lewis, and the boyfriend part of him wanted Olivia to back off, but the lawyer side knew he couldn't interfere.  

"I had him. He was getting off on telling me the details." Olivia responded. 

"He wasn't confessing. Every phrase was couched in a hypothetical." Barba replied, and Olivia knew it was true. 

"Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, don't we have him?" Amaro remarked, cutting into the growing argument between the two. 

"Her rape kit just came back. His DNA is all over her, the bed, the stove knobs--" Rollins started, to be cut off by Olivia. 

"Stove knobs?"

"He branded her." Amaro clarified, and everyone internally cringed at the thought of Lewis torturing Alice. 

"We also found her cameras and jewelry at a pawn shop. The owner ID'd Lewis." Fin added, hoping to make the case against Lewis a little stronger. 

"Whoever he is, and whatever he has done before, he's going away for life now. Is the victim up to a Grand Jury?" Barba responded, and Olivia was secretly relieved that Rafael had attacked this case was such passion. No one wanted to put Lewis in prison more than she did, but knowing that someone she trusted was handling the case made her rest a little easier. 

"Well, the hospital releases her tonight, but can't we spare her that?" Cragen asked. 

"I'll take a lineup tomorrow." 

\---

"Best I can give you is 'undetermined.'" Warner concluded, covering back up Alice's dead body. Both Olivia and Amanda groaned, turning around to face Barba. 

"If you laid out the timeline in front of a jury--" Olivia started, to be cut off by the ADA.

"You want to add a murder charge? It's gonna be hard enough to prove rape." Barba cut in, extremely frustrated. His case had just gone down the toilet because of Alice Parker's death, and the detectives weren't helping his migraine.  

"I used to like you." Rollins commented, and Barba internally rolled his eyes. Olivia tried to hide her smirk, although failed, and Barba glared at her. 

"Ms. Parker was our lead witness. She never made a lineup ID." Barba continued, trying to get the two female detectives to understand his reluctance to move forward with the case. 

"I took the disclosure. She ID'd him. He wasn't a stranger. She knew him!" Olivia exclaimed, trying to convince Barba to continue with prosecution.  

"We'll argue immediate outcry, excited utterance. Defense will argue that he was denied the right to question his accuser." 

"He killed her!" Olivia yelled, frustrated. 

"Yeah, and you are not pleading down rape one. Not after what he's done, to her, to others." Amanda continued, and Barba could see that he had lost this argument. 

"He's never even been convicted. If we can put him away from four to seven years, it's a start." The ADA finally said, knowing that the detectives would probably protest. "It's a start!"

\---

"Mr. Lewis believes that Detective Benson and SVU have a vendetta against him." Lewis' defense attorney stated, and both Barba and Olivia rolled their eyes. 

"You're unbelievable. You've had it for me from the get." Lewis continued, glaring into Olivia's eyes. 

"Don't engage, Billy." Vanessa chastised, then turned her attention to Olivia. "You've been doing sex crimes for a very long time, and now you're projecting your anger at others onto an innocent man."

"Innocent? Did you see the morgue photos of his last defense attorney?" Olivia started in a serious tone, leaning across the desk.

"Olivia?" Barba cautioned. He didn't like where she was going with this, the anger, the conviction in her voice made the ADA a little wary. And the way Lewis was looking at her, glaring at her, wasn't helping his stomach at all. 

"The one that he raped and tortured for 19 hours? She was also convinced of her lover's-- of her client's innocence." 

"Excuse me?" The lawyer responded.

"We'll see you in court." Barba stated, grabbing Olivia's arm and almost pulling her out of the cell. He needed to get her away from Lewis. Now. "Lover? Client? Nice freudian slip." The ADA continued, trying not to let his nervousness and fear slip into his voice. 

"It wasn't." Olivia retorted.

"I got that. It also means she's gonna fight like hell for him." Barba replied. They walked out of the prison, Rafael suddenly stopping Olivia.

"What?" Olivia asked, turning to face her boyfriend. There was a fear in his eyes, a look that she had never seen before, and it was worrying her. 

Barba responded, trying put as much conviction in his statement as possible, "You need to back off a bit on Lewis. I-"

"Rafael, you can't do this." Olivia said, interrupting the ADA.

"Do what? Show concern for you?" 

"Tell me how to do my job. Look, I'm glad you care about me, but I'm pretty sure I can fend for myself. And it's not like he's going to kidnap me or anything, alright? Come on. I'll drive." 

\---  
  
"Liv?" Fin asked, cutting into her thought process. Lewis had been let out on bail hours earlier, and her head was still reeling. He had found a way to get out of prison again, thanks to a DNA mix up.

"Oh, rain check. I've barely been home at all this week." Olivia replied, sounding dejected. 

"Well, go home. Stay there, two days." Cragen responded. 

"Captain, that's--"

"Liv, that's an order. You show up for work, I'll have you arrested."

"You all right?" Nick asked. 

"Not really."

"You want to talk?"

"Not really." 

"Got it. See you in a few, huh? Keep your head up."

\---

Olivia opened her apartment door, jiggling the keys out and setting her groceries on the kitchen counter. She was looking forward to unwinding on the couch, maybe watching a rom-com or two with Rafael tomorrow. She suddenly heard the floorboard creak, and her senses heightened, hand on the side of her gun.  

"Hello?" Olivia called out, to the seemingly empty apartment. 

"Hello--"

"Welcome home, Detective Benson."

\---

"It's him. It's Lewis." Nick said in shock, surveying the trashed apartment. 

"Yeah, he tied her up. He duct-taped her mouth. Her hair, her blood... Captain, i... it's everywhere. He might have taken her down the fire escape. The window's open. Her bedding's gone." Amanda added, in a similar state of shock. No one had expected this, Lewis kidnapping Olivia, but now she was even more determined to find him and nail his balls to the wall. 

"There's a pan on the stove with keys. It smells like burnt hair or flesh." Fin said, walking out of the kitchen.

"Son of a bitch." Cragen uttered.

Nick couldn't believe that she, Olivia Benson, had been kidnapped by Lewis. That such an amazing person could undergo this horrible experience. He could only hope that she would be found alive, found so that she could be spared any more turmoil. The whole squad was here, analyzing her apartment, looking for clues-  _Barba. Shit. No one has told Barba yet, my god._

\---

Rafael was sitting at his desk, drinking some coffee and going over case files. Although he enjoyed his work, it could be a little dry at times, and his mind wandered to Olivia. He had heard that she had needed to take some leave after Lewis had gotten released, but hadn't had a chance to contact her since. He reached over for his phone, surprised when it suddenly rang.

"ADA Barba." He answered, hoping to get this over with quick so that he could call Olivia.

"Hey um, it's Nick."

And then his whole world came crashing down. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really satisfied with this chapter honestly, but it needs to be done in order for us to get to the really good stuff (and I know it's long, maybe a little dry too. Sorry..)
> 
> Lots of Hurt/Comfort for Raf and Liv ahead! It's probably going to be another week or so (maybe two, I have a piano competition next weekend and I'm honestly not prepared for it) before I update this again, so thank you for your patience!
> 
> And I know this might be moving a little too slowly for some people's liking, but honestly I think this is going to turn out to be a really long fic. There's going to be a lot of crazy plot twists, the detective's personal lives, the arrival of Carisi, Olivia's recovery, Cassidy, all that fun stuff. So thank you for being so patient with me and this already super long fic. And thank you for leaving kudos, commenting, reading, etc!
> 
> And I still haven't heard about opinions on Rollaro in the fic, so any thoughts? Comments? Thanks!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead, I promise! The beginning is dark. And it's an emotional rollercoaster. But THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your patience. I know it's been like 2 weeks since I updated this, I'm going to try to go back to once a week for uploading, but no guarantees. I have a huge standardized test coming up, and just life in general is getting really busy. But thank you for sticking by this fic! Means a lot to me.

Rafael's mind was in overdrive, but it almost wasn't thinking at all. He couldn't believe that Olivia was gone, taken by Lewis, and now in the hands of the Beast.  _And the worst part is, I could have prevented this. I'm sorry Olivia, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry._

His breath had become labored, his chest tightening. The ADA slowly sank down onto his office couch, eyes widened, and the familiar tingling feeling in his body surfaced. He shook back and forth, only thinking about Olivia, only thinking about how he was at fault. Half of him wanted to rip his scalp off, the other half knew he had to keep it together, at least at the office. 

_I'm sorry._

He stood up in a robotic fashion, not really taking in his surroundings at all, walking out of his office door with his briefcase and phone

_I'm sorry._

Walking down and out of the courthouse, he hailed a cab, trying to keep his breathing steady. The cab driver didn't say anything, but raised an eyebrow at the man's disheveled fashion and short breaths.

_I'm sorry._

The ADA got out of the cab, quickly walking into the elevator and pressing the button for his floor. The whole thing felt surreal as he unlocked his apartment, slowly stepping in and closing the door behind him. His breath quickened, seeing some of Olivia's items scattered around.

Her sweapants.

_I'm sorry._

A favorite movie of hers.

_I'm sorry._

A coat she had left behind one night.

_I'm sorry._

He walked over to his bed, slowly slipping off his clothing and crawling in. The ADA rocked back and forth, chest tightening even more, the tingling in his body intensifying. 

_I'm sorry I couldn't put him away. I'm sorry I didn't get justice. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm at fault here, Olivia._

He choked back a sob thinking about her deep brown eyes, her hair, her passion towards her work, her steadfast dedication for getting justice. Thinking about how her eyes lit up every time she smiled or laughed. 

_I'm so so sorry._

_I love you Olivia. And I can't ever be near you again._

\---

Rafael woke up a couple of hours later in a cold sweat, having dreamt about Lewis and Olivia. Part of it was the images of Lewis torturing the detective, the other half being Olivia blaming the ADA as she took her last breath. He decided to call in sick today, not having anything other than arraignments that other lawyers could handle. Padding through his apartment and grabbing a bottle of scotch, the ADA plopped down onto the couch and just sat there, drinking himself into oblivion. 

\---

"Nick." Amanda said, spotting the blood trail inside of the home lead into the closet. They had searched the house that Lewis and his lawyer girlfriend had eaten dinner in, with Vanessa's parents, and it wasn't looking good. They had already found the husband dead, and Rollins braced herself as she opened the closet in one swoop. 

"Dear lord." The blonde uttered. An older woman, presumably Vanessa's mom, was tied to the top shelf in the closet, and the detective reached to feel her pulse. "She's alive. Help me get her down."

"Get an ambulance, now!" Amaro screamed. "'Manda, you okay?"

"Yeah." The female detective replied, taking a deep breath. "Yeah."

\---

"My daughter brought him. We all had supper together. He drove her to the train station. And then he came back." Mrs. Mayer whispered, and you could hear the despair in her voice.

"Can you tell me what happened after Lewis came back?" Amanda gently asked, hoping that it wasn't what she thought it was. For Olivia's sake. 

"He held a gun on me, and he m... made me take off my clothes. He made... oh, God. He made her watch while he raped me."

"And this woman... did she say anything?"

"No. She had duct tape on her mouth. He told her to keep her eyes open. Anytime she tried to close them, he held put a lit... lit cigarette on me."

"Was this woman... was she with him when he left?"  _Please, let her be alive._

"Detective." The paramedic warned, as Mrs. Mayer's breathing became even more labored. 

"She... she passed out." The older woman forced out, before she drifted back into unconsciousness. 

"She was alive. Could you tell that she was alive?" Amanda asked, trying not to desperate. 

"You're done, Detective." The paramedic said, and Rollins leaned back, clearly frustrated. Olivia was out there, somewhere, and she couldn't do anything right now to help find her. Heck, she didn't even know that the older detective was alive. And Barba.. the man was probably out of his mind by now. She would be too if this had happened to Nick.

\---

Rafael was suddenly jolted out of his drunken haze by the sound of his phone ringing. He picked it up, not bothering to check the caller ID.  _Because I don't care anymore._

"Barba." He answered, trying not to sound too drunk.

"It's Nick-"

"Did you find her?" The ADA said, cutting off the male detective. 

Nick wondered what this man had done to himself, as he sounded quite disoriented, and also drunk. "Barba. We didn't, but we got a lead, alright? Now, are you drunk?" 

"Am I? I don't know. I can't really feel anything. Does that count?" Rafael responded, slightly slurring his words. He honestly didn't care about appearances anymore, or what he looked like in front of his coworkers. As long as it wasn't his boss. He didn't want to become the next Sonya Paxton. 

"Barba. Snap out of it. Do you think Liv would like the state you're in right now?" Amaro asked. The lawyer was normally so calm and composed, and this mess that the ADA was right now worried the detective.  _Why is Barba acting like this?_

"Nah. She wouldn't care. She hates me now anyway. If she's still alive.." The ADA responded, letting out a sarcastic chuckle at the end of the sentence. "Because I didn't put Lewis away, right? So it's all my fault.." 

"Hey, no one thinks it's your fault. And Liv certainly doesn't either. She doesn't hate you." 

"Eh, you're just saying that to make me feel better. But what's the point? I don't care anymore. Nothing matters anyway."

"Barba-" The line suddenly went dead, and Nick resisted the urge to punch something. Their ADA, normally the logical one, was a mess.And as much as he would like to do something about it, he couldn't take a break. Not now.

\---

"What's that look? Are you feeling sad? Thinking about someone you're never gonna see again..." Lewis asked, taunting Olivia as he ripped the duct tape off of her arms. She was chained to an iron bed frame, and hoped that maybe it was weak enough to break. 

_Rafael, I love you._

"Mom... Dad... Boyfriend?" Lewis taunted, as he tore the duct tape off of her mouth. 

_Rafael, I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of telling him who you are._

"No, huh? Someone else... someone who you would give anything to see just one more time. You're gonna cry his name out... at some point. They always do _."_ Lewis continued. Olivia finally formulated words that would hopefully taunt Lewis even more, make him lose control. She talked about how she knew what he wanted from victims, how he liked them begging.

And then she was a gun pointed at her, and all she could think about was Rafael. 

"You don't tell me what to do. Okay? Now you say..." Lewis said, menace in his voice. 

And something inside Olivia finally broke. "I want to live. I'll do anything." She cried softly. 

_I'll do anything to see you again, Rafael._

"I'll do anything... anything."

_I'll do anything for you, Rafael._

"I'll do anything."

_For you, Rafael._

\---

Watching Lewis worm around on the ground, still taunting her, she was reminded of Elliot.  _Elliot._ The name sounded so foreign to her, mostly because she had blocked all thoughts of her old partner from her mind. Her partner for 14 years. He probably would have killed Lewis already. But Elliot was gone. Just like that. There one day, and gone the next. Without saying anything to her, not even a short note.

_What would Elliot do?_

_Probably break every bone in his body, and then make him eat a bullet._

Then Lewis said "You don't have the balls." And Olivia was reminded, once again, about Elliot. And how she couldn't call him. How she couldn't pick up a phone and punch in ten numbers. 

_Fuck you, Lewis._

And she hit him with the metal bar, beating him to a bloody pulp. And all she could see was Elliot. 

And only when the image of Rafael came into her mind, did she finally stop.

\---

"It's over, Liv. It's over now." Amaro said, putting a blanket over her shoulders. Olivia scanned the front yard of the beach house, looking at all the police personnel there. And how they all were seeing her as a victim, not as a detective. And yet the one person she was hoping to see wasn't there.   

"He's still alive." Fin stated.

"I don't know how." Olivia responded in a small voice. Part of her was still in shock about beating up Lewis, and another a little ashamed for letting him get to her.  

"You did what you had to do." Fin reasoned. 

"Let's get you out of here." Nick said, leading Olivia down the steps. 

"Come on, let's get you out of here." Fin chorused, as they gently placed her into a black SUV. They were going to personally take her to the hospital. They couldn't trust anyone else.  

\---

The hospital tests flew by quickly, but the last one was the one Olivia was dreading the most.  _Rape kit._ She knew Lewis hadn't raped her, but she knew that the guys needed scientific confirmation. And Rafael still wasn't here. In fact, Brian had been with her throughout the tests at the hospital, staying close by. Almost too close. 

_Where are you, Rafael?_

\---

The phone suddenly buzzed, jolting Barba out of his daydreaming. He had gone back to work the next day after his drinking binge, knowing that Amaro was right. That Olivia wouldn't want to see him this way.  _If she even wants to see me at all._ His paperwork forgotten, the ADA picked up the phone, hoping for good news.

"We found Liv." Nick's voice said, and the lawyer let out a sigh of relief. "She's at the hospital right now, getting checked out. You want to come down?"

Rafael's brain froze for a second.  _Was she.. raped?_ He mentally kicked himself for even thinking that, and then realized that Amaro was probably waiting on an answer. "Um- I'm really behind on my paperwork. Just- tell her that I hope she's okay."

"Barba-" The line went dead. Nick knew that Rafael was probably blaming himself, but not seeing Olivia at the hospital?  _Fuck no._ Yet he knew that it wasn't his business to interfere in, and he couldn't do anything about it. Not when Amanda looked so distraught.

\---

Rafael went home that night and decided to drown his sorrows in scotch again, trying not to feel anything. The guilt was eating him alive at this point with his failure to put Lewis and jail, and the disapproval in Amaro's voice about his decision not to see Olivia wasn't helping.

_I'm staying away to help you, Olivia._

_Because I love you._

_Because I can't hurt you again._   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad ending. Sorry about that. Kind of awkward. I don't know how long I'm going to drag this Lewis thing out for (and Raf's guilt,) maybe another chapter or two? Anyways comments and kudos are always appreciated, and thank you to everyone who has done so!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a really long time, hasn't it? Anyways life became really busy and I couldn't find the time to upload a chapter so sorry sorry sorry...
> 
> But there's more angst in this one. I know that much.
> 
> And I haven't written any fanfiction since the last update. So sorry if this one's a little awkward. I'm a bit rusty. 
> 
> NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED. ALL LYRICS BELONG TO IMAGINE DRAGONS OR WHOEVER AND THE ALL CHARACTERS BELONG TO DICK WOLF. Not me. Olivia and Rafael would be together if I owned them.

 

_"Walking down to the waters edge,_  
_Asking why I’m here instead of home,_  
_Now I stand alone._  
_I stop to stare at the ocean side_  
_I'm breathing in just to feel it’s side_  
_With his_  
_Like you were here with me._

 

_Is it my fault, is it my fault?_  
_We’ve been missing each other,_  
_We’ve been missing each other."_

 

_**-Imagine Dragons, "My Fault"** _

 

It had been a month. A month since Olivia got kidnapped, a month since Olivia beat Lewis to a bloody pulp, a month since Olivia had seen Rafael. She was now living with Brian because he had been there and because she couldn't go back to her apartment and see Lewis there pointing a gun at her. Brian was there after she got discharged from the hospital, he was there when she woke up screaming with Lewis's image in her head, he was there all of the times Rafael wasn't. 

Rafael hadn't even visited once. And Olivia didn't even know why. 

The only reason she could think of explaining Rafael's disappearance was that he couldn't deal with a broken her. That he wanted a strong Olivia, not a weak one, and that thought tore Olivia's heart apart. Because then that meant it was her fault, because she couldn't get it together enough so that Rafael could come back to her. And so she couldn't pick up Brian's phone (hers was gone, stored away in evidence) and dial the eleven digits that she knew by heart and possibly confirm her fears by talking to Rafael. 

So she kept on living with Brian and eating Brian's food and sleeping in Brian's bed when it should've been Rafael's food and Rafael's bed and living with Rafael. 

\---

Rafael got out of his bed, checking the time. 5:30 am. He hadn't been getting much sleep, instead passing out at 2:00 am after drowning his sorrows on the bottle. And then waking up hungover and tired with bags under his eyes and looking like shit. He didn't really do much else. Just wake up, try to look decent, get to work, get back to his apartment, drink, then pass out. 

_I'm pathetic._

The thought echoed through his mind as he brushed his teeth, looking at his hungover state in the mirror. 

_What would Olivia think of you right now?_

And then he pushed away all thoughts of Olivia because he couldn't think about her without feeling the urge to pick up another glass of scotch, which lead him to drink the scotch and then drink more while trying but failing to not think about Olivia and all the guilt that came with thinking about Olivia. It was almost like a vicious cycle of sorts.

_How ironic._

_Shut up._

_You're pathetic._

_So are you._

_We're the same person, you idiot._

_Shut up._

_You shut up._

"All of you need to shut up," Rafael muttered, rummaging through his closet for a pair of clean pants. "I really need to do the laundry, don't I." 

_Yup._

"Shut up."

\---

"Liv!" Brain shouted after he noticed Olivia in another one of her dazes, eyes glossed over and stone cold face. "Liv!" He went and got an ice cube from the refrigerator, sticking it in her hand. "Hey, you're okay. You're with me."

"Wha- oh. I'm okay, Bri." Olivia said, snapping out of her trance. "This wasn't a flashback."

"Hmm? Oh, whatever you say Liv."

She could sense how he really didn't believe her. Sure, sometimes she had flashbacks and then she really would need the ice cube to get rid of the thoughts of Lewis shoving tequila down her throat, but this wasn't one of those times. This was more of a lost-in-thoughts type thing when she would think of Rafael and how he wasn't here with her putting ice cubes in her hand when she needed it and how maybe she was to blame. She had another therapy session today, which would undoubtedly lead her to being emotionally drained for the rest of the afternoon. 

_And another day wasted._

Yet it wasn't like Olivia was doing much anyway, other than therapy. Physical therapy, group therapy, normal emotional therapy ruled over her life ever since Lewis. And she hadn't talked about Rafael yet to Dr. Lindstrom. He knew that there was another man in her life, someone other than Brian, but he hadn't pushed on the subject. More pressing things, like Olivia beating up Lewis with a metal rod, filled the two-hour sessions.

 _Maybe I'll tell him this time,_ she thought.  _Oh who am I kidding? It's probably not going to happen._

"Liv, we're going to leave soon. Therapy, remember?" Brain said, voice wafting out of the bedroom, where he currently was.

"Yeah. Be there in a moment."

\---

"I saw red. And then I beat him up over and over again. That's it." Olivia said, sitting across from Dr. Lindstrom.

"But why, Olivia? Why did you hit him with a metal rod instead of shooting him?" 

"Because I was angry."

"Angry with who? You? Lewis?"

"Lewis."

"Yet you didn't shoot him? Wouldn't that have killed him a lot quicker?" 

"Yeah."

"So why didn't you shoot him?" 

"Why are you asking me this? What difference does it make that I beat him with a rod instead of shooting him?" Olivia asked, frustrated.

"Because it takes a lot of anger to beat someone up like that, when shooting them probably would've killed him a lot faster." Dr. Lindstrom replied.

"Well, I had a lot of anger! He kidnapped me and held me captive for four days!"

"I know that, Olivia." She was silent, and Dr. Lindstrom took it as a cue to continue. "So what I'm saying is, maybe there's someone else that you're angry at in addition to Lewis." 

"Like who?"

"I don't know, Olivia. You have to answer that question for yourself. You have all the answers, you just have to find them." Olivia was silent once again, so he tried another approach. "Who were you thinking of before you beat Lewis?"

"Um... Elliot. My old partner."

"And why were you thinking about him?"

"Because he would've known what to do. With Lewis."

"And you didn't?"

"I-I guess. But he left me. He left without even saying goodbye, retiring without so much of a word. Who does that?"

Dr. Lindstrom raised one eyebrow after Olivia's outburst, knowing they were getting somewhere. "Continue."

"He hasn't even called me. We were partners for twelve years, and he hasn't called me yet. It's been two years since he left!"

"So are you mad at Elliot?"

"Ye- crap. I beat up Lewis because I was mad at Elliot?"

"You were angry at Lewis too, Olivia. Elliot was just someone else that you were angry at, and you thinking of him before hitting Lewis probably made you angrier." Dr. Lindstrom said as he checked his watch. "And that concludes our session for today, Olivia. I suggest that you find something to do other than therapy. As much as you would like to, sitting in Brian's apartment and doing nothing won't help you."

\---

Rafael sighed, setting down his briefcase on the table and loosening his tie. He reached for a half-empty glass of scotch, only to pause.  _I need to stop doing this and talk to Olivia._ He got up from the sofa, taking the alcohol and flushing it down the toilet.  _I've done this one too many times,_ he thought, thinking back to when he was thirteen and taking his dad's beer and pouring it down the sink after school. Back when he thought that there was a chance that his dad could get better and maybe stop hitting his mom. 

_What have I become?_

He stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He had definitely lost weight, his clothes almost hanging off his body. He hadn't shaved in a long time or combed his hair for that matter, and in general looked like hell. 

_I look like my dad._

And then he knew that he couldn't keep living like this, that he had to get the growing beard off his face now, NOW, and that he had to take a shower and put something in his hair so that he looked like an ADA because that's who he was and not look like his dad in any way because his dad was a wife-and-son beater and he wasn't. He was a person with a Harvard Law degree and a person who had made it out of his neighborhood and become successful somehow even though his mom hadn't left his dad until he had gone to Harvard. 

Ten minutes and half a bottle of shampoo later, Rafael walked out of the shower. He looked a lot better now, a lot less like his dad. Putting on a bathrobe and walking out of the bathroom, he surveyed his apartment. 

_It smells really bad. How have I let it get this bad?_

There were some empty boxes of takeout but more empty bottles of scotch, his clothes strewn all over the couch and table and floor. He picked up a plastic bag from the floor and threw some trash in it, then cleaned some more and somehow found a vacuum in his building and cleaned his apartment until it was spotless and looked a lot less like a bachelor pad and more like where someone would live if they were an ADA. 

And then he thought about Olivia, probably living with Cassidy or whoever. 

And the waves of guilt and grief swept over him, and he broke down for the first time since he had become an ADA.  

_It's my fault, isn't it._

_My fault._    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's dark, isn't it? 
> 
> Yikes.
> 
>  
> 
> Updated 1/3/18, changed Rafael's method of poison from whiskey to scotch.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys I'm updating again. I know my update times are pretty sporadic, so sorry about that. 
> 
> Angst in this one? Probably. I dunno.

_She opens her eyes, taking in her surroundings. She's inside a trashed apartment, her wrists and legs bound to a chair. She knows better to resist, to struggle. She's done this before. Lewis peers into her eyes, and she expects him to taunt her again, except he doesn't. He turns around after capturing her attention, and for the first time she notices another person in the room._

_Rafael._

_He's bound to a chair, looking as bad, or worse, than she knows she looks. She sees the fear in his eyes as Lewis cocks a gun at his head, the fear disappear when Lewis pulls the trigger, and she's screaming. She needs to get out to help Rafael, she somehow needs to unfreeze and take back the bullet now somewhere in Rafael's brain._

_She's full out sobbing at this point, the tears streaming down her face and Lewis turns back around to face her._

_"I'm never going to leave."_

Olivia jolts awake and jerks her head towards the alarm clock. 3:14 am. 

_Great._

Brian's out like light, snoring beside her. She had tried to sleep alone in Brian's bed, Brian sleeping on the couch, but she had found that the nightmares were only worse when she was alone. So instead, she lies in the same bed with Brian every single night and hopes to God that he doesn't put his arms around her in his sleeping state. 

Her mind drifted to Rafael. She hadn't seen him in close to five weeks, hadn't seen his green eyes or his perfect hair. Olivia found herself missing him, missing his smirk when he knew that they had won a case, missing his touch when they embraced, missing his lips. She hadn't even tried to contact him.

_It's probably my fault. He likes the strong Olivia, not the broken one._

Yet she was a broken Olivia, an Olivia who still hadn't gone back to her own apartment, an Olivia who balked at the sight of any vodka, an Oliva who couldn't get the sight of a gun pointed at her head out of her mind. Sure, she was in a better state than she had been three weeks ago, when she couldn't even walk out of the apartment to go to therapy by herself. 

So she lied there in bed, waiting for morning to come. 

\---

Rafael woke up to the sound of his alarm beeping and dragged himself out of bed. After his cryfest last week, his life hadn't improved much, except he wasn't drinking anymore. More like he just moped around in his apartment, trying not to think about Olivia, or lost himself in his briefcase of paperwork. He looked at his phone, finger hovering over Olivia's number, except he didn't press it. He couldn't. The whole Lewis thing was still his fault, after all. 

He cracked open his fridge after showering and shaving, hoping for signs of something edible. There was something unidentifiable in tinfoil, some mustard, and some sort of green fuzz covered fruit.

_I need to go grocery shopping._

\---

Another therapy session was on Olivia's schedule, and she wasn't really looking forward to it. Although she had made a lot of progress, she didn't want to discuss the nightmare that she had been in last night, since it would raise the question of "Who's Rafael?" and all of that therapist shit. She walked into the office herself, after a mini-argument with Brian about whether she could walk the hundred feet to the building alone. Olivia won, of course. 

"Good afternoon Olivia." Dr. Lindstrom said, greeting her as she sat down. "How are we doing today?" 

"It hasn't been great." Olivia replied.

"Oh? Why is that?"

"I had nightmare, and Brian had been very overportective lately."

"And what was this nightmare about?"

"Lewis shot someone I know with me tied to a chair, helpless to stop him."

"Brian, I presume?"

"No, it wa-" Olivia stopped herself before she revealed anymore. "Yeah. Brian."

"Hmm..." Dr. Lindstrom said, as he jotted some notes onto a notepad. "Interesting."

\---

Olivia left the building, telling herself that she could make it back to Brian's apartment by herself. All she needed to do was hail a cab. Yet, she remembered Dr. Linstrom's words said at the end of the session today.  _"Get out of Brian's apartment, go somewhere and do something you know you can do."_

_Grocery shopping._

She could do that, walk to a store and buy some food and whatnot. As long as she steered clear of the alcohol section. Olivia knew there was a small store close by, only a couple of minutes walk away, and the prospect of returning to Brian's apartment and staring at a wall for another six hours didn't excite her much. 

Olivia quickly walked to the shop, taking a deep breath before stepping inside the door. 

_You can do this._

She picked up a basket and started browsing the store, putting random things into the basket. The point was to get out and do something normal and not freak out or have another flashback of Lewis shoving a gun into her mouth, not pay attention to what she was buying. 

Olivia was in the middle of the vegetable section when she spotted a familiar looking man wearing a familiar looking overcoat, with a familiar posture and height and-

_Oh crap. It's Rafael._

It was all she could do to not bolt right then and there, and she froze when he turned around. She looked into his green eyes and she felt his eyes pierce hers. He looked the same, except a little more gaunt, like he had been the one to have been kidnapped. 

"Olivia?" Rafael uttered, shocked to see her at his local grocery store.

"Hi." Olivia stuttered, surprised that she could even get out that one word. 

"How are you?"

"I'm.. getting there. You?"

"Normal as I can be. It's weird walking into the squad room and not seeing you there."

"Yeah. Sure." Olivia turned around to escape, to be anywhere but here, but she felt a firm grip on her arm and then she was teleported back to when Lewis was manhandling her into Vanessa's parent's home, and she was frozen as she watched Lewis rape the older woman over and over again and it was all she could do to not close her eyes so that she didn't have to smell the scent of burning skin again...

"Olivia. Liv! Hey, you're here. In a grocery store. With me. Not back.. there." Rafael said, as he tried to get Olivia out of her flashback. He recognized the glassy look in her eyes, and tried to think of how to wake her up. He remembered Olivia mention something about an ice cube in survivors dealing with PTSD, and he could only hope it would be the same for Olivia. 

He ran up to the cashier, escorting Olivia along.

"Hi, um, could I have an ice cube, please?" 

The cashier looked bewildered, but got out some ice from the back of the store. Rafael shoved the ice into Olivia's hands, feeling how cold the hands were and how cold the ice was and all he could think about was how he caused this, how he accidentaly grabbed onto Olivia's arm to try to get her to stay, and now she was having a flashback and it was his fault, his fault. 

"Rafael?" Olivia suddenly said. The ADA looked over at her, noticing how the glassy look was gone and how the ice cube was now melting and dripping freezing water all over the place. 

"Hey. You all right? You had a flashback."

"Yeah, I kind of figured that out by the weird look the cashier was giving me and the frigid water in my hand." Olivia replied. This had to be the worst time to have a flashback, in front of Rafael, her boyfriend? Ex-boyfriend? She wasn't sure anymore. About anything.

"I'm sorry Liv, I didn't mean to grab onto your arm and-"

"It's fine. I don't blame you for it."  _I blame myself, actually, and my screwed-up mind._ "I might head out now, actually."

"Liv, are you sure you're fine? You still look a little shaken up."  _Quick, Rafael, say it before you lose your guts._ "Just... come to my apartment. Talk with me or something. Until you calm down enough to go back to your apartment."

Olivia's mind was ringing with warning bells, at the thought of talking to Rafael, of the thought of going somewhere else other than Brian's apartment, but she knew she should go.  _I trust him. I can do this. I'm not broken enough to scare him away again._

"I'll come." 

"Okay. Let's go."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next... Liv and Raf COMMUNICATE cause they really should do that. This chapter's a little shorter, and I'm not really satisfied with the last scene but I really want to get this chapter up so here you go. 
> 
> Just a quick note-- thank you to EVERYONE who has left kudos, commented, bookmarked, or even read this thing because I know it's long and probably boring at times but honestly you people make my day.. so THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
> 
> And anyone get the tiny math nerd reference I put in there?


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's finally here! The chapter that apparently a lot of people have been waiting for... maybe? Anyways it's a shorter one, and I'm sorry for that.
> 
> Except I'm sobbing because Raf just left the show and all we got was a KISS ON THE GODDAMN FOREHEAD so yeah I'm kinda pissed. Because Rafael was pretty much my favorite character.
> 
> And I don't own any of the song lyrics used in this. All the lyrics belong to Bastille or whoever owns Bastille or whatever. Enjoy!

_Things we lost to the flame_   
_Things we'll never see again_   
_All that we've amassed_   
_Sits before us, shattered into ash_

_These are the things, the things we lost_   
_The things we lost in the fire, fire, fire_   
_These are the things, the things we lost_   
_The things we lost in the fire, fire, fire_

_**-Bastille** , Things We Lost In The Fire_

_\---_

She felt like she was sinking. There was a dark abyss pulling her in, and she was sinking. Drowning. In sadness, in self-pity, in depression. The feeling came and went, but it was here now. Overtaking her, flooding her senses until she felt nothing at all. She was numb, ringing in her ears. Her mind circled through the trauma she had been through; her desperate attempt to get away from her alcoholic for a mom by marrying someone five years her senior, the many times she had a gun to her head, the image seared into her mind of the children all shot to death while sleeping peacefully, Sealview and the dirty mattress, and Lewis. Lewis shoving a gun in her mouth, Lewis forcing her to watch as he raped Vanessa's mom, Lewis being beaten to a bloody pulp by her. Lewis Lewis Lewis.

Those four days had easily been the worst in her life. They had changed everything, her relationship with Rafael, her relationship with Brian, her ability to do her job. Now she was broken, with pieces slowly being glued together with what seemed like Elmer's glue. One piece of her would be glued on, for another to fall off because of the crappy glue. So she was broken still.

And it seemed like only Rafael could put the pieces back together.

\---

Rafael walked her, more like dragged her to his apartment, as she felt numb. The abyss was there, and she couldn't pull herself out. But with every step towards his apartment, it seemed like a rope was dragging her out of the blackness. A rope pulled by Rafael.

They didn't talk during the short walk, each too preoccupied with their thoughts.

\---

_I don't want to screw this up._

The thought popped into Rafael's head as he turned the lock and cracked open his apartment door. He knew that Olivia probably blamed him, yet she hadn't said anything on the walk over. Instead, she just had a faraway look in her eyes. Not a flashback, he knew, because there was no glossy look. Just an unfocused glint in Olivia's beautiful brown eyes.

He knew eventually they would have to talk; have to hash whatever they had out. If there was an "it's complicated" relationship status on Facebook, he would've switched to that in an instant. They hadn't seen or talked to each other in forty-six days, forty-six very long days. Then he had bumped into her in the supermarket, then she had a flashback, and here they were. 

Stepping into his apartment together. 

\---

She hated the sound of silence. That's what Olivia realized, at least, after Rafael had taken her coat and she had plopped down onto the couch. Because all they were doing now was staring at each other. 

_Where do we go from here?_

And she knew there was nowhere to go if she were to stay silent.

So she spoke.

\---

"What happened, Rafael?" Olivia asked, breaking the silence.

"I-" For the first time in a while, the ADA was at lost for words. He didn't know what happened, but yet he did. A sequence of horrible events. The Trial, Lewis, Cassidy, and scotch. "I'm sorry."

"Why, Rafael? You have nothing to be sorry for." Olivia responded, placing her hand on his arm. "It's me."

"Really? The trial, failing to put him in jail, kidnapping you, you don't blame me for that?" Rafael scoffed, easing away from the contact.

"You think I blame you? If anything, I blame myself."

"I-"

And there was silence once again, the two each processing what had just been said. 

"You know, we tell the victims to not blame themselves." Olivia finally said. She could see his jaw tighten as she spoke, but he didn't react. Rafael just stayed there, frozen like a statue. "But I never realized how hard it was. I know that I'm not supposed to blame myself. I know it's all his fault. But the other side of me blames what I did. Maybe if I didn't freeze when he had a gun pointed at me, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if I had drawn my gun the moment I stepped into that apartment, this wouldn't have-"

"Don't." Rafael said, interrupting her, his voice breaking. "It's not your fault."

And as he turned his head to finally face her, she could see the tears in his eyes. Olivia hadn't realized how much this had affected him. All she could think about was how she had only thought of the gun to her head, the vodka in her throat, and part of her knew it was selfish. She had only thought about herself. She hadn't branched out to Rafael after the kidnapping, and Rafael hadn't branched out to her.

And here they were, sitting on opposite sides of a wall that they had built together.

\---

"We didn't talk to each other." Rafael stated, staring into Olivia's eyes.

There was silence for a moment before she responded.

"No, we didn't."

"We should have though. Talked to each other."

"Yes. Definitely."

"But we didn't." Rafael said. "And now we're in this mess together, aren't we? And somehow, we need to untangle these knots."

Olivia took a moment before replying, her voice slightly breaking. "Rafael, I'm broken. Shattered. You saw what I was like at the grocery store after you slightly touched me on the arm, Rafael. I shy away from human contact. I can barely walk outside alone. I go to three different types of therapy a week. I'm not the same."

"And neither am I, Olivia. But now, I'm here. And I'll try to piece you back together."

And Olivia finally broke down at those words, sobbing in Rafael's arms, accepting human contact for the first time in a long time.

And the knots slowly started to unravel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Cassidy drama...? I'll try to get the next chapter up sooner rather than later, but no promises sadly.
> 
> And I just want to say a quick thank you for everyone that has shown support for this fic, I never expected to get this much support, so thank you thank you thank you all!
> 
> I had posted this chapter like a day ago but apparently didn't show up on the listings so I'm going to see if reposting it helps.


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